Old Fashioned Kinda Guy

For the first time in my life someone proposed to me. And it wasn't a throw away "Hey, how about we get hitched?" line either. I'm talking about a guy getting down on one knee, taking your hand, telling you right from the heart how he feels about you, producing a ring box from nowhere, pulling out a ring, slipping it onto your finger and asking "Will you marry me?"

That happened.

I said "Yes".

Christmas Eve, 2007

The Family You Would Choose

There is an old saying that friends are the family you would choose. This year that point was really driven home for me. It was about 52 weeks ago (that's one year for those of you who went to school in California) that Aleks and I separated. As recently as this summer I was not looking forward to the Christmas season and the specters it would raise, but something happened along the way. This Christmas season found me surrounded by friends all weekend and upto and including Christmas Day. On Sunday I had friends both old and new in attendance as well as someone who is insane enough to say he loves me filling my home with warmth (those of you who could not make it I hope know that even with a full house you were missed). The next day I was given a wonderful gift from the insane one (will blog on that later), then on Christmas Day Mr. Beau and I went to Disney to enjoy the hospitality of the "House of Mouse" with our friend Sarah, ruling queen of "Astro Blaster". So while my biological family (whom I love with all my heart) is 2000 miles away they need not worry about me, because I did spend Christmas with "my family".

My '80s Toy Personality

What childhood toy from the 80s are you?

You're a Speak & Spell!! You nerd, you. Just because you were disguised as a toy doesn't mean you weren't educational, you sneaky bastard. Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Company Christmas Party

No Gifts, Please

Well, it's that time of year when the following conversation occurs in millions of households:

"What do you want for Christmas?"

"I dunno, what do you want for Christmas?"

"No, I asked you first. What do you want for Christmas?"

Mr. Beau and I had this conversation over the weekend. We both admitted that we really have too much stuff as it is, that we often buy what we want for ourselves, and we both enjoy to give more than to get. Then Mr. Beau made a great suggestion. He does work with charities in town, many dealing with homeless children and orphans. Instead of giving each other more "stuff", why don't we take the money and go shopping for as many of the kids as we could. My heart melted and I quickly agreed. So now I open it up for anyone wanting to give me something this year... please, no gifts. I would rather you come to my house and spend time with me (or invite me to spend time with you) than to have more things around the house. My parents and my sister had already sent me my present, so I am taking the money and putting it into the mix for the children (thanks Mom, Dad, and Missy). If you really want to give me something I would rather you take the money and donate it to a charity. If you really, really want to give me something, you can pop the receipt in a Christmas card and send it to me. That would make for the perfect gift.

My Nerd Type

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Science/Math Nerd   (Absolute Insane Laughter as you pour toxic chemicals into a foaming tub of death!) Well, maybe you aren't this extreme, but you're in league with the crazy scientists/mathmeticians of today. Very few people have the talent of math and science is something takes a lot of brains as well. Thank whosever God you worship, or don't worship, so thank no deity whatsoever in your case, for you people! Most of us would have died off without your help.
Literature Nerd
Social Nerd
Drama Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Anime Nerd
Musician
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

Not Even Tempting

You know, I thought the days of the crude phishing scheme were over. Boy was I wrong. Today I got the following email:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Salam alaikum,

I am pleased to introduce a business opportunity to transfer to your overseas account the sum of($8.4USD) United States Dollars from one of the Prime Banks here in Dakar Senegal.

I am Mr Ousman Diop(Bsc,Msc)the Auditor General of one of the prime banks here in Dakar Senegal,during the course of our auditing,I discovered a dormant account opened in our bank since 1999 and till date no body has operated on the account and after going through old files in the records,I discovered that the owner of the account died long ago in a plane crash along with his family without leaving a[His/WILL],hence the account remain dormant and if fund is not transfered urgently, it will be confisticated and return to the bank's or government treasury.

Therefore,with a personal conviction of trust and confidence,I wish to contact you as a foreigner,to stand as a relative because you share the same surname with the decease's,thus I can work out the release of the funds.No other person in the office knows about the account, please be assured of the risk free,I'm the one that will work it out,all I need is your cooperation because the account content can not be approved to an indigen here as his next of kin.

At the conclusion of this project, I propose a joint investment of an equal partnership to you or we may share it in a ratio of 45% for you and 55% for myself.One more thing please, don't consider this against moral justification,there are many other aspects of life we may contribute with this funds to help the less privileged and the needy in a society than having it shared as an unclaimed bill among Government PLEASE.

I look forward to your earliest response.

Yours Truly,

Mr Ousman Diop.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now you know, the biggest problem I have with this is that this Mr Ousman Diop didn't even read his phishing letter. I mean, if he offered say, $10,000,000 USD it would provide SOME incentive, but does he really think that $8.4USD would tempt me to do something immoral as to claim money that wasn't mine?! And given the cut it would mean I would be selling out for $3.78! The nerve! :-)

Writer's Block

Sorry, been quiet for a while. Lots of things have been happening but I can't quite yet see the pattern. Hopefully a little down time tomorrow will unblock the stream of consciousness that tends to fuel my muse.

Putting My Life Back Together

Saturday was a big event for me. Not in terms of an earthshaking activity but something of great importance. It was the first time since the separation that I have had people to the house without Aleks by my side. It wasn't huge or elaborate, but it was something I did all my own. On Saturday I had guests over for a home cooked meal. Mr. Beau, Elbert and his partner Cory came to my house and we spent several hours eating, talking, drinking and just socializing. It felt good to finally get back into the kitchen. The menu, as prepared with my own little hands, was:

Beef tenderloin steaks with a balsamic Vinaigrette reduction

Roasted potatoes with bleu cheese and chives

Green beans lightly salted and sauteed with gralic

Sauteed mushrooms

French bread (the only thing I didn't make)

Pumpkin cheese cake on a gingersnap crust

The main wine was Penfold's Bin 389 followed by Curtis Heritage Cuvée. The cheese cake was served with a nice Guwerztraminer. We also opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate good news from both Mr. Beau and Elbert.

It was fun, from staying up until almost 1am the night before making the cheese cake after a software release to even doing the dishes on Sunday. Do I still miss Aleks? Absolutely. The difference between six months ago and now is that I can see my life continuing.

It Obviously Runs In The Family

My youngest nephew is smart, polite, a great young man, and devilishly handsome just like his old Uncle Mike. Now he shares the same honor I did of winning the spot of Prince at the school's yearbook coronation:

Renfaire

Last Saturday Mr. Beau and I went to what is affectionately known as Fall Escondido. For some of you who read this blog these pictures may be too nerdy, but for the rest of you just relax and enjoy the show.

The faire had been moved back a week due to the fires. When Mr. Beau and I arrived there are a good crowd who had gathered to see men in tights and ladies in dresses running around acting as if they had come from another era (me, I go for the food and the shopping and a few of the shows). After a quick surveillance of the merchant stalls (and my purchase of a leather wrist band) Mr. Beau and I hit the beer tent, then back out again to look around. Soon we were greeted by a "walking billboard" for an act called "The Bawdy Juggler":



As the stage was near the beer tent we decided we would go back and await the arrival of my friend Sarah (you can find a link to her Livejournal site on the right of the main page):



The juggler was pretty good and his schtick was fun. Not terribly bawdy but just enough without being gross:



Next up was a great musical act, The Merry Wives of Windsor. Very talented young ladies, if you get the chance and you like folk and Celtic music you should give them a listening to:



Of course, the big show is court. When I was "doing faire" I was a member... first as household and then as Dr. Dee, the Queen's advisor. Court at Escondido is done by St. Elizabeth's Guild. Here's a quick shot of court during the Queen's prayer for the people of Escondido after the fires



After court it was more wandering and shopping. What else did I buy? Well, with some prompting from Sarah and Mr. Beau here is what I wound up looking like:

I didn't select a hat but the coat did come home with me.

Hard to believe that THIS was a date. He didn't run off screaming... that's definitely a good sign.

Three New Additions To The Family

Just arrived today...

Taking Stock

Well, it seems that the SoCal conflagration has taken a turn. Between a pretty still night and a cooling trend along with moisture many are thinking the worst part is over. I was fortunate... well, blessed actually. Other than dry eyes and a cough I was physically and economically untouched (emotionally is another story). It is times like these that make people do deep soul searching, asking themselves/God/the universe "Why?". There are theological responses to the question but most are not emotionally satisfying (not to say they are illogical but to those who have not been through the mental gymnastics of a good philosophy of religion or apologetics course they can seem rather harsh). The one that comes to mind today is what is often called the "Soul Making Theodicy". I think of this one because of what I have seen in San Diego as the response to this terrible tragedy, that because of this evil great good comes forth. An enormous outpouring of compassion to those in need. All week I have found this a personal challenge that I gladly take up. Long, long ago my parents taught me the Biblical principle of stewardship, that the things in this life I am given I am to use to further "The Kingdom" (or if you prefer, to do good with, not to hoard). Luke 12:48 sits constantly in my mind ("For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more" to which my parents taught me that "much" is relative. We were poor, but there were always people who had less and it was those we helped). Every day I was in my local Vons "my" checker Dolores asked "How much do you want to give to the fire victims today?" and I would give her an amount. After discussing things with Romeo we cleared out the checking account for the Red Cross (Romeo said it was ok if he had to eat dry kibble for while... unlike some poor kitties he has something to eat). At lunch yesterday Mr Beau said something extremely profound... that everyone can do a little something, and no one knows how great a good that little something can do. So please, do a little something.

Late October in Southern California

This was taken around 12:30pm today...

I'm Pathetic

I am so sad this morning. Perhaps part of it is because I have pager duty and was called several times last night so my "psychic defenses" are down. I saw Aleks today. He had called me with some news regarding his rental car and I took his mail over to him. We had coffee, chatted... it really started to feel like old times when we would just sit around and talk. The day is sunny and it made me feel like it was the time of year when we would just enjoy being around each other, maybe sitting outside or walking along the beach, just talking. But it had to come to an end. I came upstairs to logon to get some addresses, forgot the on-call pager and bounded back downstairs and for some reason I expected to see him there.

He wasn't.

I started crying. The house suddenly felt empty. He had told me something that happened to him that was upsetting and I just wanted to throw my arms around him and hold him close but I couldn't. That's not my place any more. I know that, but it doesn't make the pain any less real.

The Vine Anniversary

I'll pick up the wine tab if anyone wants to go with me...

Trek To Temecula

A couple of weeks ago my friend Elbert and I make the long ol' trek to Temecula. OK, not that long... Temecula is about 60 miles north of San Diego along the I-15 but to someone who has become somewhat acclimated to the "city" of San Diego Temecula might as well be in another country. I had been wine tasting in Temecula once before and was not terribly impressed so this was the region's second chance. I have to say that while the overall impression is still far below that of the other California viticultural areas some places are showing real promise, enough that I wound up buy about a case of wine from various places.

Our first stop was Falkner Winery and it was a pretty good place to start. High on a hilltop with a nice view of the area I was impressed. The tasting room as nice and the staff knowledgeable and willing to discuss not only their own offerings but those of other wineries (we took their advice on another place that I will talk about later). One of their more interesting taste offerings was a 2003 Merlot and a 2004 Merlot. The 2004 was, to general consensus, a little young (give it another 6 months or so to smooth out a bit) but their 2003 was very nice, traditional flavors of black cherry and a hint of vanilla with good structure and nice smooth tannins. Their 2003 Syrah was also quite nice... again somewhat traditional but well made. I liked it well enough to grab a one along with their 2003 Merlot. Their most popular red, "Luscious Lips", didn't do anything for me... a bit too sweet but both Elbert and I could see why a lot of people would like it. Here's Elbert at the tasting room (I don't think he really thought I would post this pic... HA!):



Our second stop was just up the road from Falkner, a little boutique winery named Alex's Red Barn Winery. They're open for tasting only on weekends but I think they would be worth the trip. I think they had the best overall offering... one of the few places that makes whites I really enjoy drinking! Both their Johannisberg Riesling and Viognier were delicious... very simple but textbook in how they should look and taste. Crisp, clean, not overly sweet, all I could think of was how I wished I was doing Thanksgiving dinner because they would DEFINITELY be on the list. One of their most interesting offerings was a Solera-type triple-cream Sherry made in the traditional manner. Unlike most ports and Sherries in California this does not come from the Zinfandel but from the Palomino grape. Absolutely delicious. I brought home a bottle of their Viognier and their old-vine Cab and plan to go back for more. As you can see, they believe in truth in advertising because the tasting room really is a red barn:



Lunch was taken at Baily's winery:



We didn't do a tasting there (this time) but their lunch offerings were quite nice and the outdoor seating was right next to the grapes. Elbert took FOREVER deciding (it's my blog Elbert, I can write what I want * grin *):



The most disappointing place was the one that I had come to Temecula with the highest hopes... Palumbo. I had heard a lot about this place but I have to say, everything on the list disagreed with me. To be fair, they admit that they taste their wines early, so perhaps given time I would enjoy them but everything I tried seemed out-of-balance, either too much tannin or too tart. Elbert used the word "sour" and afterwards he tummy bothered him. On my next trip I may pick up a bottle and lay it down for a year to see what happens.

We went to Wilson Creek. Almond "champagne"... next.

The award for the most impressive tasting room went to Ponte Winery. Absolutely stunning for area. Ponte is also doing things with traditional Italian offerings such as a Barbera, Sangiovese (both not bad but could use a little work), and a "Super Tuscan" (Sangiovese and Cab). I enjoyed their Petite Syrah enough to pick up a bottle. I wanted to try their Nebbiolo but it wasn't on the tasting list :-( Hopefully next time.

Our last stop was suggested to us by the people at Falkner. Frangipani Estate Winery. You have to know where it is to find it, but it is definitely worth the stop. I have actually been there before but in the intervening years they have "grown up" and are producing some very nice wines. Their whites were pretty crisp and clean. The Sauvignon Blanc was quite tasty, full of tropical fruits but not sugary. I also enjoyed their reds, especially their nice, soft Grenache and Cab Franc (nice little hints of herbs there). Somehow these wines found their way into my car!

So overall I was happy. Not only did I get to spend time with a good friend but discovered that the neighborhood DOES produce some good wines. Granted you have to search for them but the adventure is well worth it.

Crib Building

Well, I finally made like a good daddy and got my "children" a new crib... that is, I bought a bar. As it is officially fall and the beginning of hibernation season I spent most of the weekend indoors. I had bought a large amount of fresh vegetables and spent a couple of hours preparing home-made stew (love the smell of it as it permeates the whole house). Then after dinner last night I poured a glass of Iron Horse Merlot (nothing exciting... middle of the road Merlot) and went to work building the crib. You know, it's funny, but it was one of the most enjoyable things I have done in quite a while. I actually built something. Granted, it wasn't complicated, but it was something I did on my own from beginning to end. And you know what, it doesn't look bad at all.



That frame you see laying on the top in the center is my first certificate towards being a sommelier! I passed the class with a perfect score. Next class is more difficult though, have to analyze 10 different pairings of wines. Oh, such difficult labors! * grin *

Anyway, the crib is a hit with the family. Here are some of my "kiddies" all nestled in their new beds (the other 50 will have to wait where they are for now):

Final Exam

Well, I just finished the final exam for my first wine tasting course. Such gruelling work... how ever will I continue with these studies? :-)

Sunday

A typical Ocean Beach Sunday morning. It's sunny and warm. From my balcony I can see the deep blue of the ocean. I hear birds chirping in the trees. Kinda the way my weekend has been thus far. Friday night I went out with Mr. Beau and had a blast. We went to Dave and Busters and played games! I beat him at the shoot 'em up games (he'd probably complain the sights were off *grin*) but he kicked my sorry white-boy butt in basketball. Unfortunately the pool tables were not available so we couldn't go for the tie breaker. We thought about eating there but when they announced a 90 minute wait we bolted for The Vine which was terribly crowded but they were able to seat us immediately. We then came back to my place where I popped open the champagne he had sent me at work and spent a nice couple of hours together (but I did NOT share the chocolate... It's MINE! hehehehe).

Yesterday my friend Elbert and I went wine tasting in Temecula. I'll do the analysis for you in another post, but for now I can say that there are a few that are showing potential (a quick note... the overall winner in my opinion was Alex's Red Barn Wine. One of the few places outside of Brander that had me liking white wines).

So today is back to "real life"... or at least the maintenance mode of real life. Gotta mow the yard, iron, do some light dusting and then relax.

Better Than I Thought I Was

Second wine tasting test score came back... another 100%

Nice!

More About What I Love

I posted a few days back about being a romantic and loving characters like Doctor Who, Gandalf, Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, etc. To this I add two characters, but the best part is that one of them is a real human being. The first is a character named Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden of Jim Butcher's "The Dresden Files". Harry Dresden is "Chicago's only practicing professional wizard". While Harry doesn't quite see himself as actually good (he usually describes himself as pragmatic), things that really push his buttons are women and children in distress and people who are being abused by those against whom they cannot fight back. Harry's enemies can see this. One of them, a vampire lord, bought a grave for Harry and set up a tomb stone which reads "Harry Dresden... He died doing what is right". Wow. To have your worst enemy say this about you is really something. So Harry gets added to the list.

What made me really happy was I know someone kinda like that. Someone I have gotten to know recently wrote to me the following in an email:

I swore to defend freedom and democracy around the world, and I swore to fight for the weak. and that is why I'm doing what I'm doing.

And you know what... he really does believe it. When you talk to him about that he gets very serious and the emotion become palpable. I feel go glad to know that there really are people like this in the world (besides my own parents). Even more so when they like me.

Oh My!

HappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappy
HappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappyHappy

Sorry, got a little carried away. Someone sent me a fantastic gift today
to my office address. Some thoughtful gentleman sent me champagne and chocolates. I was shocked when the delivery man stopped and made me sign for the box and even more so after reading the note and opening the gift.

* sigh *

* smile *

I needed this.

And On A Happier Note...

I got back the results of my first test in my wine tasting course (prepping for the sommelier exam). I got a perfect score! Yippee!

Pre-Exam Prep

It's not what you think. For the last few weeks I have been experiencing incredible headaches and usually at the most inopportune times. So, even though my yearly physical is a scant two weeks away I got in to see my internist. He's a great doctor, very thorough, but it seems like most times I see him needles get involved. Though I think this time I did myself in. After a pretty damned rigorous gross physical (including basic neurological tests) he said "Didn't you tell me your grandfather had coronary blockage?" and I just HAD to be honest... I told him yes. Well, that did it. Above my protestations he immediately started filling out forms for lab work. They drew four vials of blood and I have to have a cranial MRI.

* sigh * Needles AND my mild claustrophobia, what a combination.

Feeling a bit down I decided to do what any other red-blooded American (and I know my blood is red when it hits oxygen, I saw it in the tubes), I drove home, grabbed a book and walked to The Vine. It's Tuesday night so I know that my favorite waitress in OB, Tutu, is there. To help (1) dull my anxiety and (2) improve blood circulation I decided to take this opportunity to work on my tasting for my sommelier exam and did a comparison of two Zinfandels, the 2005 Di Arie (Amador county) and the 2005 Roshambo Zinfandel (Sonoma). Of the two I prefer the Di Arie. I found it less "hot" (the legs on the Roshambo were pretty danged thick) and I found the tannins of the Di Aria more "chewy" and full. I also found the Roshambo to have a bit of weak finish. The nose on Di Arie seemed to be more "traditional" Zin with a bit of "jam" and just a hint of chocolate. So between the Vine burger and the two glasses of Zin I am feeling better... still apprehensive, but better.

Some Weekends Are Just Better Than Others

It's Monday and back to work. Kinda hard as I had a really nice weekend. It started Friday evening when I went with my friend Vince to a lovely newish restaurant in San Diego, Cafe Chloe. Great food! We had their cheese plate, oops, plat de fromage, and I had rabbit for the main course. We paired dinner with a Pouilly-Fuissé (a white medium-bodied Burgundy) and it was excellent. I highly recommend it (both the wine and the restaurant).

Saturday I spent a huge chunk of time with Mr. Beau. One of the last real gentlemen in San Diego. We've gone out a few times and every time I have been made to feel quite special. We had lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe. I think we're both hooked on the Hefe Weizen. After eating and talking we walked around the Gaslamp area and I took him to Cesar's Cigar Bar where my gentleman friend purchased two very nice cigars and we spent some time in the outdoor area where I taught him the finer points of how to handle a well-made cigar.

Sunday I had breakfast with Aleks (it was nice but a little distant... I still miss him), did a little cleaning, and then went to The Third Corner where I spent time with a couple of other "cork dorks" sampling a couple styles of Mourvèdre. I've decided to work on my certified sommelier award so I need a lot of practice (now if THAT isn't an excuse to drink wine I don't know what is). I found the 2005 Holly's Hill quite a nice little wine.

I wound up with maître blanc napping on the couch with the fourth disk of Heroes playing. About 11pm he work me up for his end of the evening kibble and I waddled upstairs and into bed.

Exciting? For the most part no. One of my better weekends? Absolutely!

My Babies Are Here!

The "stork" brought three lovely little additions to my household today.











Well, by "stork" I mean UPS...


I was so excited. The agency even named them for me, such cute little native appellations:



And look... they're asleep in their crib. Aren't they so cute?



Here's a close up of the "big brother". Ssshhhhhh... he's asleep. Isn't he a little angel?

Silliness Interlude

The Adventures of Erwin and Michael: Part Four

Sorry about the break folks, this pesky thing called "work" got in the way. But life is settling back down to normal so it's time to pick up the adventure. When we last left them, our intrepid adventurers were sleeping soundly in Buellton after a couple of day of wine tasting and weight gaining. So let's join in on Tuesday morning...

Rise and shine. We sadly left the central coast and its yummy fermented grapes and headed to Los Angeles, or more accurately, Hollywood! We had tickets to see the LA production of Wicked. I had booked us a room at a cute little motel just off of Hollywood Boulevard and we arrived just before noon. After a quick clean check in we walked the two blocks to Hollywood Blvd to encounter:



An interesting sight. At the other other end of the block we found out why a semi was embedded in the street:



So who knows... this could be the start of a midlife change of career for me! LOL

We did the typical tourist "Walk of Fame" and looking at the hand prints outside of Grauman's Theatre:





Try as he might, Erwin couldn't get his feet into Judy's shoe prints.

We spent a good part of the afternoon just walking around Hollywood and into the adjoining neighborhoods. It was nice, peaceful, relaxing... things you don't normally think of when you think Los Angeles. It must have been the company.
So back to the motel to rest and clean up before the play.

We decided to take a cab to Kabuki in Hollywood which was only a block from the beautiful Pantages Theatre. The cab ran late but we made it there with just enough time to spare to take our seats and enjoy a wonderful evening. I felt like we were in the song from Wicked titled "One Short Day in The Emerald City":

one short day in the emerald city.
one short day, to have a life time of fun!
one short day,
and we're warning the city,
now that we're in here, you'll know we've been here,
before we are done!
...

we're just 2 friends,
2 good friends.
2 best friends.
sharing a wonderful one short...(day)

The next morning, as we were in no hurry to get back to San Diego, we went to Rodeo Drive (just to look, no shopping) and then on to one of my favorite parts of LaLa Land, Santa Monica. As luck would have it, they were having the farmer's market on the Promenade:





As the afternoon was moving towards evening we were getting hungry so I suggested we hit one one great little place to eat, The Border Grill, home of The Food Network's "Two Hot Tamales" Susan Feniger and Mary Sue Milliken! The meal was awesome (and the attractive waiter VERY attentive... I tell ya, it pays to travel with Erwin). So, sufficiently stuffed it was back down the 5 to San Diego... but more about that in the next installment.

The Adventures of Erwin and Michael: Part Three

One nice thing about vacation is that you get to sleep in. I think we woke up about 7 AM (my normal wakeup is 5:25 AM), cleaned up, and went to breakfast. Ah, but not the typical "continental" breakfast at the motel (where you have to guess it is on which continent you would actually EXPECT a breakfast like that). No indeed. As we were on vacation and looking for the exotic we headed to Solvang, "Sunny Field" in Danish. Solvang, land of windmills, "The Little Mermaid", and dozens of bakeries... but especially that fantastic institution, Paula's Pancake House where we both had the yummy, wafer thin Danish pancakes. After becoming fully loaded with sufficient carbs to absorb the coming wine we were off for more wine tasting. Of course the first decision is where to go:



We thought about going to Foxen, but just after starting we changed our mind and thought we should start at the beginning and hit Firestone. The first entrance to turn around brought the first fun surprise of the day. It was the driveway to Curtis Winery. Now I had never heard of them before and in the spirit of adventure Erwin suggested we stop and try them out. What a treasure! The lady who waited on use, Ellen, was a gem. Even Matt Kramer says they are someone to watch and if they get any better they may rival Brander in my opinion. They are producing some beautiful handcrafted Rhone-style wines. The tasting offered six wines, two of then 2004 Syrahs. The 2006 Viognier was nice, light hints of white peach with a slight mineral finish and the Syrah's did not disappoint. Then the wonderful Ellen went "off menu" and poured four more wines for us (between my "wine-savviness" and Erwin's cuteness we must have been a killer combination in wine country). Ellen provided us with tastes of a 2005 Roussanne (the only one I have found thus far), their 2004 Heritage Cuvee (which wound up coming home with me), their 2004 Mourvedre (nice, earthy taste), and their EXCELLENT 2004 Syrah Crossroads (which followed the Cuvee to my wine rack). So here we are with Ellen at Curtis:





After joining their wine club we then went to the sister winery, Firestone. Now to be honest, Firestone has never impressed me. Oh, their wine was OK, but never on my list of "gotta have" wines. I have to admit, I found something nice here to bring back with me. First, they do a nice, dry Gewurztraminer. When I say they were tasting the 2006 I said I just had to try it. With less than 1% residual sugar is was much more pleasing to my palate giving a clean finish. I had to admit I also liked their 2003 Vintage Reserve (which included Cab Franc and a Malbec in the mix) which had a nice little mint/licorice taste. And once again, Erwin smiles and the young lady behind the bar says that she has something special for us to try... their 2003 Cab Franc Reserve. Very round with some firm tannins left (it's 98% Cab Franc, 1% Merlot and 1% Cab Sauv). I think in the next year or at most two it will really peak into an outstanding wine.

OK, two wineries and about 20 tastes... the pancakes are beginning to become saturated but we do one more for the morning and go to Fess Parker. Like Firestone, I never expected much from ol' Fess, but having grown up watching Disney I still remember Fess Parker as Davy Crockett and in fact the logo is Davy's coonskin cap. Once again, I was glad we went because this was the only winery we hit that was tasting a Riesling. Their 2006 White Riesling was quite nice. Normally I don't care for the sweeter stuff but with a residual sugar of less than 2% it wasn't syrupy and the finish was pretty refreshing. My favorite though, and the one that followed me home, was their 2004 Syrah named "The Big Easy". Black cherry with notes of licorice and mint combined with a really nice finish made this a keeper.

For lunch we decided to give Fess a little more of our money and we had a very light lunch at Restaurant Marcella at the Fess Parker Inn in Los Olivos.



After a light lunch and rest we decided to give Fess just a little tiny bit more time and headed to Epiphany. Actually, we went there because we received a card for free tastings there when we hit Fess Parker earlier in the day. But it was nice and close, a short stagger across the street. Six tastings with their dry 2006 Grenache Rose begging to come home with me (it did) and their 2004 Grenache close on its heels. Then again, we went off menu. The pourer brought out some spicy dark chocolate and popped open their 2004 Petite Syrah. What a fantastic blending of flavors!

We decide to hit one more before going back to the hotel for a nap and decide to travel out to Foxen, only to discover that unlike the other tasting rooms that close at 5, these guys close at 4! Saddened, we took their advice and drove up to Kenneth Volk. Again, glad we did because Mr Volk is actually doing a Negrette! Wow! Six wines on the tasting including the Negrette (berry and black licorice) which jumped in the car with us. Their 2005 Pinot Blanc had wonderful hints of caramel and vanilla was a delight. I was also pleasantly surprised with their 2005 Chardonnay, Santa Maria Cuvee (very mellow and almost no alcohol in the taste).

We made our way back to the hotel and took a short nap, then cleaned up for the finishing touch to our "Sideways" trip... dinner at Los Olivos Cafe, where Miles and Jack dined with their dates. To complete the experience we both ordered from the "Sideways Menu" and ordered (in honor of Miles) the Pinot to accompany it. Oh, it was sooo good, but the dessert was just a little too much.

We made our way back to the motel and tucked ourselves in for a good rest. We'd need it, tomorrow was Hollywood!

The Adventures of Erwin and Michael, Part Two

Ever see the movie Sideways? Well, if you have that was the impetus for Erwin and me to do what we did during this part of the trip. Erwin had never been wine tasting and I suggested my personal favorite part of California, the Central Coast, for a quick education. So Sunday morning we headed north to Santa Barbara and Santa Ynez counties to make Erwin a true oenophile.

The weather was, per SoCal standards, perfect. The skys were blue (even over LA... no smog-brown awaited us). As we left around 8am we arrived at our destination, the Day's Inn, Buellton, around 12:30pm. This was the motel that Miles and Jack stayed in in the movie. Since we could not check in I decided to start Erwin's education at what is my personal favorite winery in the area, Brander and this visit did not disappoint. Brander is noted for their world-class Sauvignon Blanc wines and their hand-crafted Bordeaux-style reds. The tasting menu was of six wines and not a one was disappointing. Erwin was particularly fond of their Cuvee Nicolas and we both thought their 2006 Merlot was "da bomb". Then, as a special treat, we were offered a taste of something that is quite pricey with few bottles remaining... their 2005 Cabernet Sauvignon Reserve. The lovely lady pouring for us actually hid the bottle from the other tasters (she said that it was a delight to talk with us, was astonished with what I knew about wines and with Erwin's eagerness to learn that she just threw it in as a benefit). So here we have Erwin getting a good start to his wine education at Brander:



So we left Brander with a few bottle and me upgrading my membership.

Our next stop was Bridlewood, one of the prettiest estates in the area. Formerly a horse rehabilitation facility, Bridlewood Estate is an artisan winery focused on producing Syrah and other distinctive Rhone varietals. Bridlewood can be up and down so you never really know what to expect from them. Their 2004 Reserve Syrah and 2005 Reserve Arabesque were good enough to warrant a purchase (particularly their Arabesque which is a blend of five or six grapes).

Our last tasting stop for the day was a real up-and-comer, Beckman. Beckman produces Rhone Varietals including Syrah, Grenache, Grenache Blanc, Grenache Rose, Marsanne, and probably my favorite, Cuvee Le Bec (a blend of Grenache, Mourvedre, Syrah and Counoise). Beckman is a wonderful small boutique winery and definitely well worth the stop (the people at Brander recommended it to me a couple of years ago as a place to get to know). The do a very fine Syrah and their 2006 Grenache Rose is well worth a taste. I also enjoyed their 2005 Marsanne (nice hints of ginger). I came away with a couple of bottles of their Syrah and a bottle of the Rose.

About this time we headed back to the motel to check in and rest up for dinner. Tonight it was the place featured in the movie, The Hitching Post where we dined on wonderful steaks. I, of course, had wine (the Hitching Post Syrah which was a perfect compliment to the steak).

Finally... stuffed and all warm and happy from the wonderful wine, we retired to the room for the night.

More coming...

The Adventures of Erwin and Michael, Part One

Vacation this year is domestic. I finally decided to do the responsible *groan* thing and take the lions share of my bonus and pay off debt. I was so fortunate when my friend Erwin had talked about taking a vacation to SoCal and scope things out for a possible move. I offered to share my place with him and take him on a bit of a tour to which he readily agreed, so the wheels were set in motion. I've known Erwin for about 12 years now and except for a time where I was a jackass (long story) we have kept in regular touch. Erwin and I share many things including musicals and wine (among others of a less public nature *grin*) and I immediately bought tickets for the San Diego production of Chicago with George Hamilton playing the lawyer Billy Flynn. Since San Diego was a bit limiting for the entire trip I had persuaded Erwin (with little arm twisting)to go wine tasting along the Central Coast and then spend the night in LA to see Wicked.

Erwin arrived Friday and we went to dinner at a local landmark, Nati's and then a quick walk around along Newport and the beach. The next morning we started the city tour and met up with a friend of his, Mel, who is in the navy and stationed here.



After a long, fun lunch at Gordon Biersch, we continued our little tour of SD and then headed home to prep for dinner and play. Being San Diego, dress was NOT formal (Oscar popped his head up and did the expected "tisk, tisk" but did ask for the Playbill from the production). We went downtown about 6pm and had a small pre-play bite at Ra Sushi (touch pricey for sushi but LOVE their Spider Monkey roll). It was then off to the musical where we had a blast. Overall the production was quite good (and whoever made the dancers' costumes deserves some award for most revealing without revealing all on both male and female dancers). I thought Mr. Hamilton kinda walked through his part but hey, George Hamilton playing Billy Flynn is just George Hamilton playing George Hamilton. All-in-all a great night out. For a little taste, check out this clip from the Tony awards for Chicago.

We arrived back home a little after 11 and got some giddy-nerves sleep in anticipation of the next leg of the vacation, wine tasting in my personal favorite area of the state. More on that next time, but just let me say that Brander's 2006 Merlot is kick ass!.

How Long Does It Take?

Six months since Aleks moved out and this morning the sight of him made my heart skip a beat. This is Erwin's last day in San Diego so we went to Shade's for breakfast (per my routine... no Oscar this time). The marine layer was thick and the ambient conversations were banal (some hung-over b*tch told her rather attractive boyfriend that he looked like Don King, though she had difficulty coming up with the name and they had to play 20 questions before he could get her to slur it out), when Aleks and his boyfriend walked by. My heart literally stopped for a second. Erwin noticed it and asked me if I was alright. I told him who I had just seen and suddenly I couldn't eat. It was all I could do not to cry. I wonder how long I will continue to carry this around? I seem to deal with it in the abstract but when events actualize I lose composure. Something to talk about in therapy on Tuesday.

More To Come

Forgot to tell some of you that I was on vacation. Just in case you wondered what I was doing, here is a sample (I'll write more later). I've made some great discoveries and enjoyed spending my time with a wonderful friend.

This Is Becoming A Habit

Another gorgeous morning in Ocean Beach, California. I was awakened to the lite tapping of on my arm by my furry companion (mind out of the gutter now) who was informing me that it was time to perform the duties for which I was being retained. In an effort to stall for time I reached out and started to scratch him behind the ears (gutter... out!) when the alarm went off. It's Sunday so I sleep in late (6:15am), got up, served the master (*sigh* fine, stay in the drainage), popped on some workout clothing and headed to the gym. The ribs are still a little tender so only a moderate aerobic workout today. After my weekly purchases at the Von's next to the gym I came home and began preparations for breakfast. That's when it happened.

Tap, tap, tap.

I turned and was confronted by my recently reacquainted friend Oscar Wilde. As usual he was dressed to kill (well, for a 19th century dandy).

"My dear professor (as he likes to call me against my protestations), what are you doing?"

"Making breakfast" I replied over the whirl of the coffee grinder.

Oscar walked, no, minced, around the kitchen with a look slightly above that of disgust. "Dear one, it's Sunday. A beautiful Sunday morning. Not a cloud in the sky. The young master and I were staring out the window you so graciously left open watching the local parrots gathering in the trees across the street. The wireless announced something called an 'active surf' and as you so generously left your computer-thingy turned on I, how does one say, "Googled" what this meant. The discovery brought such a laugh of joy that the maître blanc scampered from the office."

OK, now I was puzzled. When one's delusions confound them it probably means more sessions in therapy. So, being a bit blunt I asked him "Say what?"

"Think about it. You're the mathematician in this little ménage a trois, apply that disgusting L-word".

"Lesbian?"

"Logic dear fellow. What does an active surf bring to the shores near that restaurant at which we dine most Sunday mornings?"

"Kelp?"

Oscar's sigh of exasperation was overly dramatic (but then again, this is Oscar Wilde I'm projecting). "Surfers! While your libido has decreased mine, sir, has not. And while you do go out from time-to-time my, shall we say, personal time is spent looking at back issues of Têtu. I want to get out and see, as you Americans would say, 'the real thing'. After all, Aphrodite brought Galatea to life, not recreated as a daguerreotype. Besides, we have much to speak about." Oscar looked me up and down. "We shall not dress for breakfast."

So I picked up the book of Oscar's letters and headed for Shades, requesting outdoor seating. Per our usual breakfasts we had Irish oatmeal, fruit (naturally) and coffee. And I read. The part of his correspondences I'm on cover the time of Oscar's relationship with Lord Alfred Douglas ("Bosie"). Even after 110 years the feelings are palpable. And after each letter I "spoke" with Oscar, pausing a time or two only to enjoy the views that would present themselves from time to time as the young, tanned surfers would run across the sand to the swells of surf.

An hour later it was time to leave, Oscar and I both having our fill of that which we each needed. On the walk back we were greeted with a fantastic site of one young "dude" (Oscar always laughs when I use that word as he says it does not "fit" me but I say it in such a scandalous manner that I should use it more often) in that perfect age of life where growing up in southern California can bring forth the perfect body... and he knew it for he was showing off as much as possible without being arrested.

Oscar looked at me and smiled. Damn, I hate it when he's right.

Now THIS Is A Reputation

My goal...

Dalek #2: Identify grid Seven Gamma Flame. This male registers as enemy!
...
Dalek Leader: Identify him!
Rose Tyler: All right then... if you really want to know. That's the Doctor.
[all four Daleks recoil in apparent fear]
Rose Tyler: Five million Cybermen, easy. One Doctor? NOW you're scared!
(From "Doomsday")

OK, so I may never strike fear into the "heart" of an interstellar evil, but just to be the kind of man who, when the line is drawn, people will not have to guess on which side I stand. That is the type of life I hope to shape for myself in my remaining years.

Romantic Heroes

Some days I really feel out of touch with modern society. In the last couple of days I have been somewhat sequestered in my house, working from home and watching my newly arrived DVDs of Doctor Who Series One and Series Two. During this time I have told a couple of friends that I want to be Doctor Who. One friend said "A dilettante?". Well, I don't find a dilettante being an apt description of "The Doctor" since his knowledge isn't superficial, but what I want to be is the type of person "The Doctor" is. What I had in mind is the following quote from the episode "World War Three":

"Because this is my life; it's not fun, it's not smart, it's just standing up and making a decision because nobody else will."

This quote made me think about other literary and cinematic characters that I love. To give you an idea consider the following:

"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one." - Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly

"It's not how much time you have, but what you choose to do with the time you are given." - Gandalf, Lord of the Rings

Elsa: Don't look at me like that. We both wanted the Grail. I would have done anything to get it. You would have done the same.
Indiana Jones: I'm sorry you think so. - Indiana Jones ("The Last Crusade")

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."- Mark Twain

The idea is of someone who choses to do what they think is the right thing regardless of the personal consequences. I haven't lived up to this idea but as this is the first day of the rest of my life this is what I want to do with the remaining time I have been given. It won't make me popular, it won't win me friends, but it seems like the times in which we live are rather short on people who will draw a line in the sand, who will stand up for what they think is right. Too often we complain, we gripe and bitch about what we think is wrong but we don't really DO anything about it. So it is my personal hope to change this at least in my own life. So, to inaccurately quote Admiral David Farragut at the Battle of Mobile Bay, "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead".

Removing Clothing Is Not Enough

Last night was a good night for me. I was fortunate to spend 8 hours in the company of a nice young man. We had dinner, coffee, and talked for hours (among other things). It was inevitable that the topic of my relatively recent split from Aleks was raised and once again I recounted, in self-withering detail, what happened, why I think it happened, my feelings about it, etc. To his credit the young man did not excuse himself and break for the nearest exit. This morning though as I replayed the thoughts of what I said and tried to recall how I felt, and re-reading some of my posts, I discovered something terrible. Yes, with the assistance of a good therapist I have come to grips with certain issues in my life that need attending in some fashion before I can get into any kind of serious relationship, but after this self-awareness came... well, it's a bit difficult to understand, but during this morning's reflection I recalled a passage from the 17th Century Haiku master Matsuo Basho:

I took a kimono off
To feel lighter
Only putting it in the load
On my back.

The moment I descended
Mount Yoshino,
I sought to sell
My cotton-stuffed coat

(As a side note, let's see how many ivy-league graduates can pull from memory 17th century Japanese poetry. Thanks Missouri public schools! *grin*).

Like a bolt of illuminating lightening I saw this as my current state. I realized that I needed to shed something to "feel lighter", but I hadn't discarded it, I simply put it somewhere else and continued to carry the full weight of it around. What a terrible violation of my Christian religion and my somewhat newly acquired Zen identity. Starting with the latter, Zen teaches that there is no real past and no future, there is an eternal now. I cannot change the past so it is fruitless to dwell upon it. I cannot guarantee the future so I simply live now and experience the "future" when it gets here (for you Zen purists I understand this statement is not Zen, but it is my interpretation for those who don't have any idea what Zen might be about). So carrying around the heavy weight of past events and thinking of "what might have been" is both painful and fruitless. In the now I take what I have learned and carry it with me, but I need to let go of the guilt, sadness, anger, and fear that created the environment. As for the Christian aspect, two verses of Scripture come to mind:

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:15, 16

...casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

As Christians we have someone to come to when we need mercy and help in times of need. And we are called upon to cast those care, those troubles, those problems upon Him knowing that He does care for us. We are not told to walk around all mournful and sad, but after giving those things up to Christ we are to count them as given away.

So now it is time to take the kimono from my backpack. I'm not wearing it, so it is time to remove its weight entirely from my person. Then and only then will I feel coolness in this life.

OB at 6AM

I love watching neighborhoods wake up. Yesterday I walked down to the beach to grab some coffee and the sights that greeted me made me appreciate where I live. These photos were done with my camera, hence the poor quality but they will give you some idea. I intend to to this again with my "real" camera later this week.

Enjoy.

Willy, Oscar, and Me

Last night I spent an enjoyable time at a party hosted by a gracious young lady named Jesi. It was a night where both wine and conversation flowed and I was more than willing to be swept away by both. The theme was "A Night With Shakespeare" and in addition to having food and drink we were treated to a brief talk on the representation of Shakespeare on film and then scenes from Shakespeare's "As You Like It" were performed by members of the cast from Coronado Playhouse (who will be performing the play at the playhouse gratis!). Of course, one of the scenes they performed was the famous "All the world's a stage" as spoken by Jaques. I don't know all of it but what I do remember (from my college course 20+ years ago) is this:

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts

For some reason I immediately began channeling Oscar Wilde. Perhaps it is because I am currently reading his published letters, but through the slight fog of wine my synapses cobbled together the following lines from Wilde's "Lord Arthur Savile's Crime":

Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast

Or something like that... I'll have to go buy Oscar's short stories but if nothing else I know the last line is accurate, both in text and in life's context. One of the issues with which I am wrestling is trying to discover what part I am to perform and how to become "qualified". All around me I see at least as much truth in Oscar's writing on the subject as I do Master Shakespeare's, probably more. People are trying to play parts for which they are not qualified. People simply do things because they think it is that befitting their "status" (especially, I find, as one moves beyond what is often ridiculed as "middle class"). I hate snobbery. I hate pretentious people. Luckily last night I really encountered it only once (personally, I think it a wonderful testament to both Harvard and to the high school football player that he applied and was accepted and I was not "astonished" that they took him as the person relaying the story to me was).

So now what role am I to play? Last night was devoted to Shakespeare but I was thinking Wilde. Maybe that is my role. After all, Oscar did take earn a double first at Oxford and was able to move within the stuffy realm of the elite of society while simply being himself, observing, commenting, injecting truth at times into a people who seemed to avoid it. It's a difficult role but perhaps it is one I'll try out for in life, or to quote my other current obsession Wicked:


Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

...

I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!


So this morning, in honor of Oscar's light, I took the book of his published letters and walked down to Shades for my Sunday morning breakfast and ordered (appropriately) the Irish oatmeal. Well, I am not quite sure what Oscar would have thought about the oatmeal but I know he would appreciate the group of shirtless young male joggers that all too quickly passed by...

No joggers here, but this was my view for most of breakfast:

Everyone needs a little help

Just a big ol' hug to my friend Elbert who is playing the Galinda role to my Elphaba in reintroducing myself back to the "community":

If you would rather listen

GALINDA
(spoken) Elphie - now that we're friends, I've decided to
make you my new project.

ELPHABA
(spoken) You really don't have to do that

GALINDA
(spoken) I know. That's what makes me so nice!
(sung) Whenever I see someone
Less fortunate than I
(And let's face it - who isn't
Less fortunate than I?)
My tender heart
Tends to start to bleed
And when someone needs a makeover
I simply have to take over
I know I know exactly what they need
And even in your case
Tho' it's the toughest case I've yet to face
Don't worry - I'm determined to succeed
Follow my lead
And yes, indeed
You will be:

Popular!
You're gonna be popular!
I'll teach you the proper ploys
When you talk to boys
Little ways to flirt and flounce
I'll show you what shoes to wear
How to fix your hair
Everything that really counts

To be popular
I'll help you be popular!
You'll hang with the right cohorts
You'll be good at sports
Know the slang you've got to know
So let's start
'Cause you've got an awfully long way to go:

Don't be offended by my frank analysis
Think of it as personality dialysis
Now that I've chosen to be come a pal, a
Sister and adviser
There's nobody wiser
Not when it comes to popular -
I know about popular
And with an assist from me
To be who you'll bee
Instead of dreary who-you-were: are:
There's nothing that can stop you
From becoming popu-
Ler: lar:

La la la la
We're gonna make
You popular

When I see depressing creatures
With unprepossessing features
I remind them on their own behalf
To think of
Celebrated heads of state or
Specially great communicators
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don't make me laugh!

They were popular! Please -
It's all about popular!
It's not about aptitude
It's the way you're viewed
So it's very shrewd to be
Very very popular
Like me!

(spoken) Why, Miss Elphaba, look at you. You're beautiful.

ELPHABA(spoken) I - I have to go:

GALINDA
(spoken) You're welcome!
(sung) And though you protest
Your disinterest
I know clandestinely
You're gonna grin and bear it
Your new found popularity
La la la la
You'll be popular -
Just not as quite as popular
As me!

Recollections

Haunted wouldn't be the right word, but lately I have been remembering Jerry. Jerry (Jerome Heard) was someone I loved during my time in St. Louis and though he died 12 years ago I still carry a piece of him with me in my heart. Over the past few weeks I have been thinking about him. If I was superstitious I would say that his spirit has been trying to contact me but as neither he nor I believed in such things and as I have no actual evidence it exists I have to place these thoughts in the realm of my own psychology attempting to contact me. As I have sat and pondered on what it means pieces of it fall into place given certain current events and revelations about myself. So, for your edification, I tell you part of the story.

Jerry came out when he was 17 and six months later contracted HIV. When I met him after moving to St. Louis he had been living with the disease for a few years. We met during a dinner party before going to a play ("Pippin") and I noticed him whispering to one of his friends and glancing at me. Jerry was blond, thin but not yet skinny, and had the biggest smile I had ever seen. As we separated after the play he gave me his number and said "Call me". I did, we went out, went out more, and eventually found a place together in the suburbs (shudder) of Maryland Heights. Jerry was up front about his HIV status and extremely protective of me. While there was intimacy there was no sex. I still recall us sitting on the couch watching television, his head resting on my chest and his hands running over it saying how that if we lived in the time of the cavemen he would be envied by all of the cave women. Not a day went by for almost three years that he didn't tell me he was happy that he was with me or how much he loved me. And I felt the same towards him and told him so. When his health began to decline he told me he always wanted to be married, so I contacted my friend Patrick who was in seminary in Chicago and asked him if he would come perform the ceremony. Jerry and his mother planned something simple. We rented a small park and held the ceremony and reception there. I can still picture him... he couldn't stand for long periods of time so he was in a wheel chair. We said our own vows (damn I hate tears), kissed, and presented to the assembly as a couple (given that we had been one for two years at that point notwithstanding). The next day we were off to Orlando for the honeymoon (Jerry loved Disneyworld) and then over to New Orleans. It worn him down but he loved every second of it... and God bless my company, they gave me time off even though at the time there wasn't anything like domestic partnership at the time (Israelies have a very large and inclusive concept of what makes a family).

Fast forward.

Jerry's health declined despite my working with some of the best in the field, no expense spared, to find something... anything... that would help. He became blind, he couldn't walk from the car to the movie theatre (he loved movies). We had a nurse come in a couple of days a week and his mother was there all the time so I could work. And then one day the call came... his nurse said I needed to come home. I remember getting the call in my downtown office. Beth, the lady who was my mentor as a DBA was with me when it came. She grabbed my truck keys off the table, mashed them into my hand and said "Go". When I arrived the nurse and Jerry's mom were there. Jerry was in bed, drenched with sweat and unresponsive. We said very little as they both left the bedroom. I remember closing the door, telling him that I was there. He was laying on his side facing the wall, breathing shallow and extremely rapid. There was a small bowl with cool water and a sponge. I lightly covered his head and face with the water, then stripped down and put on my pajama bottoms and crawled into bed with him, snuggling up as close to him as possible, slipping my right arm under him neck, pressing my body up to his as much as I dared in the hopes of him knowing I was there. I talked to him, telling him how happy I had been and how selfish of me to want him to stay, but that it was time for him to go, that his work was done and that it was time for him to rest. He breathing seemed to slow and I could feel him sort of sink into my body. His left hand, which I had been cradling in my right hand, squeezed, and then he stopped breathing. There were medical directives in place for no extraordinary efforts so I didn't call for the nurse. I cried. We lay there for a couple of minutes. I checked for a pulse in his wrist and his neck and found none. I remember kissing his cheek, wiping the tears from my eyes on the bed sheet, getting out of bed, putting my clothes back on and going out to tell his mom and the nurse. We said very little. The nurse called the time of death, his mom started with the funeral preparations (they had been made even before I met Jerry). The next few days were a blur. I vaguely remember the funeral, speaking at the service, then completely breaking down and crying on the coffin after the people had left building. Again the company showed how it valued me by giving me bereavement leave (they told me I would have made a good "sabra" because I was tough and prickly on the outside but sweet and tender on the inside). Jerry was buried with his wedding band... I still have mine, along with the memories of his smile and his laugh. He was 25 when he died. Lately I have been looking at the small memorial at Doorways Memorial.

So many things to learn about myself. I was devastated, quite a broken man in fact. I read C. S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed" a few dozen times in the ensuing weeks and learned how it is alright to scream and yell at God. I did so often, both inside my head and out in the park where were we married.

I am by nature a caretaker and in this episode of my life I was shown for the first time that there are just some things that are beyond my own considerable abilities. This problem has plagued me to the present day and I think "Jerry" is trying to tell me to be careful. I'm lonely. It would be so easy to find a broken person that needed help and fall for them with the desire to help them (dangerously close to codependency... can anyone give me Melody Beattie's phone number?). I also, for one of the few times in my life, was given back as much as I gave. Not a day went by for as long as he was able that Jerry did not hug me, squeeze me, or at least tell me that he loved me.

Perhaps Nietzsche was right and time is circular (stolen from the Greeks of course... all good things are Greek *snicker*). I feel like this pattern keeps coming over and over again... but maybe it is time to take my Platonic view of things and sprinkle in a little Hinduism and start working off the "karmic debt" by learning from my past problems. That is what I am trying to do. I still make mistakes, I wield my newly acquired self-knowledge like a battle ax rather than a surgeon's scalpel. But time and opportunity to practice is what I need. Hopefully I will have both.