Removing Clothing Is Not Enough

Last night was a good night for me. I was fortunate to spend 8 hours in the company of a nice young man. We had dinner, coffee, and talked for hours (among other things). It was inevitable that the topic of my relatively recent split from Aleks was raised and once again I recounted, in self-withering detail, what happened, why I think it happened, my feelings about it, etc. To his credit the young man did not excuse himself and break for the nearest exit. This morning though as I replayed the thoughts of what I said and tried to recall how I felt, and re-reading some of my posts, I discovered something terrible. Yes, with the assistance of a good therapist I have come to grips with certain issues in my life that need attending in some fashion before I can get into any kind of serious relationship, but after this self-awareness came... well, it's a bit difficult to understand, but during this morning's reflection I recalled a passage from the 17th Century Haiku master Matsuo Basho:

I took a kimono off
To feel lighter
Only putting it in the load
On my back.

The moment I descended
Mount Yoshino,
I sought to sell
My cotton-stuffed coat

(As a side note, let's see how many ivy-league graduates can pull from memory 17th century Japanese poetry. Thanks Missouri public schools! *grin*).

Like a bolt of illuminating lightening I saw this as my current state. I realized that I needed to shed something to "feel lighter", but I hadn't discarded it, I simply put it somewhere else and continued to carry the full weight of it around. What a terrible violation of my Christian religion and my somewhat newly acquired Zen identity. Starting with the latter, Zen teaches that there is no real past and no future, there is an eternal now. I cannot change the past so it is fruitless to dwell upon it. I cannot guarantee the future so I simply live now and experience the "future" when it gets here (for you Zen purists I understand this statement is not Zen, but it is my interpretation for those who don't have any idea what Zen might be about). So carrying around the heavy weight of past events and thinking of "what might have been" is both painful and fruitless. In the now I take what I have learned and carry it with me, but I need to let go of the guilt, sadness, anger, and fear that created the environment. As for the Christian aspect, two verses of Scripture come to mind:

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:15, 16

...casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

As Christians we have someone to come to when we need mercy and help in times of need. And we are called upon to cast those care, those troubles, those problems upon Him knowing that He does care for us. We are not told to walk around all mournful and sad, but after giving those things up to Christ we are to count them as given away.

So now it is time to take the kimono from my backpack. I'm not wearing it, so it is time to remove its weight entirely from my person. Then and only then will I feel coolness in this life.