I remember posting that therapy produced an interesting "aha" moment for me. While it is quite personal it is something that I think is important to the understanding of me. However it is rather touchy, and anyone who thinks that getting to know my relationship history is some blunt detail should skip this post.
Still there?
OK. Suppose someone asked you the question "Have you ever been unfaithful in your relationships?", how would you answer? For many it would be quite straightforward (based on the number of drinks and where you were at the time). I was in my therapist's office in part because my long time relationship had ended because of my infidelity (and a few things that go with it). Given this background, the question seems to be a natural one and you would think I could spit out a "yes or no" but what came out was strange:
"Depends on how you define faithful"
Now I am NOT trying to be Bill Clinton as I know how to define the word, but for the first time something started to click. My therapist immediately took that statement and ran with it. We started talking about my history of long term (greater than two years... what most people would call at least "serious" relationships). The deconstruction was eye opening. My first long term relationship was with someone who dumped me because I wasn't "dominant" enough, I wasn't adventurous enough (he is now very, very involved in an S&M crowd in Oklahoma). The second was a bit younger and I was his serious "first". After about six months I started to hear "I love you, but I wonder what I am missing by not having had sex with other people", so the relationship expanded... we didn't go open, but the number of people per episode increased. That ended with his deciding that being with one person for the rest of his life would be too limiting to his own exploration. The next relationship was with a person who had HIV. No sex with him, but he grew concerned and basically forced me to find "outlets" with other people as he knew I was not going to leave him. He died and I weep to this day when I think of him. The next one, again younger but much more experienced. Somewhere along the line he (1) changed his sexual preferences with respect to what he wanted (flip from bottom to top) and (2) decided that things needed to be loosened up (nothing like coming back to your hotel room to find him with someone else). That one involved physical abuse as well. Not quite sure where he is. And that boys and girls takes you up to my most recent relationship. Now between all of these were the typical dalliances, sexplorations, etc. that some single people go through. So now consider the foundation that was laid when I came into this most recent relationship. Not the most healthy. By this time I was creating a compartment within my life that allowed me to separate sex from love. I could hold in my mind loving someone and having sex with someone else. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the things I have to deal with. I wish I had known earlier, had been better at communication, felt stronger about talking about these types of issues with him. Maybe if I had this might not have happened. As it is, I have lost the most precious person in my life. Maybe that is why the need to start posting this kind of stuff. If I can get comfortable with throwing it out into the Web maybe I can get more comfortable talking about it with those in my life that matter most.
I am so sorry Aleks. I wish I had understood my own life better and I wish I could have talked to you openly about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment