Summer Reading Book Review #2

Well, I finished Harold Kooden's book Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife. Overall I found it a good read and very useful in my own personal journey having reached the "ripe old age" of 44. This book is part memoir, part guide/workbook to facing the issues of gay men who are hitting those middle years of their life (the chronological age can vary a bit as Dr. Kooden demonstrates in certain client profiles but the focus seems to be on men in the mid-forties to late fifties). The book is divided into three large sections: Body, Mind, and Soul. For me, the first two sections were of great interest because they address issues I find myself struggling with, namely how to deal with being older in a youth-oriented society, dislike of my physical appearance, and self esteem. Throughout the book there are short but poignant exercises aimed to getting us to try to examine ourselves objectively, to remove many of the negative subjective thoughts we often have of ourselves. Some of them that struck me and got me to think a little differently about things (with the help of my therapist who always seemed to be a session ahead of my readings... which provided for some good reinforcement between sessions):

Do you believe that if someone does not find you sexually attractive, his response is a statement about whom he finds attractive, rather than a negation of you? (For me, the answer is no, it tells me I am not an attractive person... issue for me to work on)

If you knew for a certainty that gay men would continue to find you attractive and would continue to be interested in you sexually, do you think you would be as concerned about aging? (For me, yes I still would... which has caused my relationships to suffer)

What prevents you from saying exactly what you think and/or feel? (I have far more issues with this on a personal level than I care to think about... but the purpose of therapy is just that)

A major part of the book is dedicated to dealing with what the author calls our "hologram", that image we present to the world to get people to like or accept (or at least not despise) us. Starting with being a gay child in a predominantly heterosexual world we learn to hide certain aspects of ourselves that others tell us are wrong. This hologram manifests itself in many different ways as we age and until we learn to shed this false image it will be very difficult to "age gracefully".

The author's title comes from the opening of the text where he discusses how current gay society seems to lack "tribal elders" or "golden men". He presents various reasons, from the AIDS crisis that decimated a generation of men who would be reaching their 40's and 50's now, to our own community literature that seems only to focus on buff shirtless men in their early 20's. The author tries to tell us older gents that we should strive to become active parts of the community, to wear our age and experience as badges of honor and to give back through the sharing of our resources to those who might benefit. Good advice, and a nice sentiment, but we have a long way to go bridge the age gap. Still, if you don't try it will never happen. At least it is better to say you did your best, even if the results fall far short of the ideal.