Sex And The Single Guy

Dating. At 44 it's a scary thought, especially in the body conscious mix of gay San Diego. It really seems that modern gay culture is hyperfocused on the sexual aspect of life. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with have a normal healthy sexual appetite (the danger tends to come when yours is either above normal or there is a huge discrepancy between yours and the other person in your life). But does it ALWAYS have to be the case that the other person has to want to schtup you first and THEN perhaps ask you out? Given my current sub-par physical state as well as my muddled internal psychodynamics I am probably cutting my chances of having an emotional encounter with someone with my new self-mandate of "No sex until you pass my quiz". This seems to be the only way that I will find someone who actually is interested in me as a person AND it makes me get to know someone before jumping in the sack (I know, some of you who know me personally or read this blog regularly are snickering... stop that, I mean what I am writing here). I'm far too along in life to play games, even if those games mean a couple of hours of physical fun. So here are the rules... if you are serious about seeing me sans vêtements you should actually know some things about me such as:

What's my name (with proper spelling and pronunciation)?

How old am I?

Where am I from?

When is my birthday?

What's my pet's name?

What do I do for a living?

Where did I attend college and what was my major area of study?

What are three of my favorite movies?

Can you name a book I am currently reading?

Who are three of my favorite authors?

Can you name two of my favorite television shows?

Without looking at your cell phone, what is my phone number?

Can you name two regions that produce some of my favorite wines?

What are my political leanings?

Can you name three of my favorite philosophers and why they are my favorite?

Boxers or Briefs (you'll have to ask, I won't show)?

What do these have in common? Not much except that you have to actually talk to me and pay attention to what I am saying. you will have to engage me as a person with interests and desires beyond bedroom Olympic events. And you know what, I will have to be able to answer similar questions about you before "it" will happen. (Hey, I saw you roll your eyes... stop that, I'm serious). You see, it's about trying to gain a measure of self-respect and control over my life. Sure, it will be tough (well, in reality not quite so tough... unlike others I know men are not beating a path to my door) but honestly I think I am worth getting to know. I hope you think so as well.

Summer Reading Book Review #2

Well, I finished Harold Kooden's book Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife. Overall I found it a good read and very useful in my own personal journey having reached the "ripe old age" of 44. This book is part memoir, part guide/workbook to facing the issues of gay men who are hitting those middle years of their life (the chronological age can vary a bit as Dr. Kooden demonstrates in certain client profiles but the focus seems to be on men in the mid-forties to late fifties). The book is divided into three large sections: Body, Mind, and Soul. For me, the first two sections were of great interest because they address issues I find myself struggling with, namely how to deal with being older in a youth-oriented society, dislike of my physical appearance, and self esteem. Throughout the book there are short but poignant exercises aimed to getting us to try to examine ourselves objectively, to remove many of the negative subjective thoughts we often have of ourselves. Some of them that struck me and got me to think a little differently about things (with the help of my therapist who always seemed to be a session ahead of my readings... which provided for some good reinforcement between sessions):

Do you believe that if someone does not find you sexually attractive, his response is a statement about whom he finds attractive, rather than a negation of you? (For me, the answer is no, it tells me I am not an attractive person... issue for me to work on)

If you knew for a certainty that gay men would continue to find you attractive and would continue to be interested in you sexually, do you think you would be as concerned about aging? (For me, yes I still would... which has caused my relationships to suffer)

What prevents you from saying exactly what you think and/or feel? (I have far more issues with this on a personal level than I care to think about... but the purpose of therapy is just that)

A major part of the book is dedicated to dealing with what the author calls our "hologram", that image we present to the world to get people to like or accept (or at least not despise) us. Starting with being a gay child in a predominantly heterosexual world we learn to hide certain aspects of ourselves that others tell us are wrong. This hologram manifests itself in many different ways as we age and until we learn to shed this false image it will be very difficult to "age gracefully".

The author's title comes from the opening of the text where he discusses how current gay society seems to lack "tribal elders" or "golden men". He presents various reasons, from the AIDS crisis that decimated a generation of men who would be reaching their 40's and 50's now, to our own community literature that seems only to focus on buff shirtless men in their early 20's. The author tries to tell us older gents that we should strive to become active parts of the community, to wear our age and experience as badges of honor and to give back through the sharing of our resources to those who might benefit. Good advice, and a nice sentiment, but we have a long way to go bridge the age gap. Still, if you don't try it will never happen. At least it is better to say you did your best, even if the results fall far short of the ideal.

What Therapy Hath Wrought II

One of the roles that therapy plays seems to be making you
look at things that you don't want to. Sometimes they can be
things you never knew were happening, but sometimes they
are things that are obvious but you never really thought about
them. This installment deals with the latter.

I am a caretaker. I have been as long as I remember. Some of
my earliest memories have to to with providing emotional support
to my mother. I was always taught "Children should be a blessing
and not a burden." BTW, I agree with this but I think I would
handle it a little differently. As soon as possible my emotional
support was expanded to financial support. Again, I think that
children should help out but it really shouldn't have been such
a focus. I learned well that taking care of other people was
far more important than taking care of myself. As I grew older
and moved into creating my own relationships I have found that
I continued to play that role. Subconsciously (or not) I sought
out relationships that put me in the caretaker role. After almost 40
years of this first person singular pronouns have been almost eliminated
from my vocabulary (for those of you who are grammatically challenged that means your author has difficulty with the little word "I"). My entire
existence becomes wrapped up in making sure the other person in the
relationship is happy. And this is without regard to the type of relationship.
Love, friendship, work... even acquaintances are treated this way. Imagine
trying to be "the best little boy in the world" to practically everyone
you meet for over 40 years! That's drawing a lot of water from the well.
A parallel issue with this is that while there is a lot of drawing, there is
little filling. If I want to make other people happy I can't complain,
I can't express my own wants or desires. Always smile. Don't be selfish.
Put other people first. Let them make decisions for what they want. Always
be helpful. Into this mix throw in my previous post about therapy and add
in the problem about my own self-image issues and you have a deadly mix
(relationship-wise). So let's see... I have to make people happy regardless
of the personal cost, I have to make my partner happy or else he'll leave,
and I cannot give a voice to my own desires and wants. It's scary for me to see that in print typed by my own hands. Now... given that I seem to have picked up along the way the unique ability to compartmentalize, it becomes a little more clear how I can select one area, sex, and break it off from my relationship.

I never, ever once thought about leaving the relationship, I just separated the acts of indiscretion from my feelings for Alex. But with sex I could
feel again wanted, even desired. I could fulfill a physical need (which is very powerful), and thus "let off a little steam" (kinda like Vietnam was for the US and the former USSR) as well as fulfill the aforementioned psychological needs. I could feel, even if for just an hour, like I was a focal point, a "center of attention" as it were.

And so, now you have a little more of the story. Stay tuned,
I seem to be processing more and more every day.

What Therapy Hath Wrought

I remember posting that therapy produced an interesting "aha" moment for me. While it is quite personal it is something that I think is important to the understanding of me. However it is rather touchy, and anyone who thinks that getting to know my relationship history is some blunt detail should skip this post.


Still there?


OK. Suppose someone asked you the question "Have you ever been unfaithful in your relationships?", how would you answer? For many it would be quite straightforward (based on the number of drinks and where you were at the time). I was in my therapist's office in part because my long time relationship had ended because of my infidelity (and a few things that go with it). Given this background, the question seems to be a natural one and you would think I could spit out a "yes or no" but what came out was strange:

"Depends on how you define faithful"

Now I am NOT trying to be Bill Clinton as I know how to define the word, but for the first time something started to click. My therapist immediately took that statement and ran with it. We started talking about my history of long term (greater than two years... what most people would call at least "serious" relationships). The deconstruction was eye opening. My first long term relationship was with someone who dumped me because I wasn't "dominant" enough, I wasn't adventurous enough (he is now very, very involved in an S&M crowd in Oklahoma). The second was a bit younger and I was his serious "first". After about six months I started to hear "I love you, but I wonder what I am missing by not having had sex with other people", so the relationship expanded... we didn't go open, but the number of people per episode increased. That ended with his deciding that being with one person for the rest of his life would be too limiting to his own exploration. The next relationship was with a person who had HIV. No sex with him, but he grew concerned and basically forced me to find "outlets" with other people as he knew I was not going to leave him. He died and I weep to this day when I think of him. The next one, again younger but much more experienced. Somewhere along the line he (1) changed his sexual preferences with respect to what he wanted (flip from bottom to top) and (2) decided that things needed to be loosened up (nothing like coming back to your hotel room to find him with someone else). That one involved physical abuse as well. Not quite sure where he is. And that boys and girls takes you up to my most recent relationship. Now between all of these were the typical dalliances, sexplorations, etc. that some single people go through. So now consider the foundation that was laid when I came into this most recent relationship. Not the most healthy. By this time I was creating a compartment within my life that allowed me to separate sex from love. I could hold in my mind loving someone and having sex with someone else. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the things I have to deal with. I wish I had known earlier, had been better at communication, felt stronger about talking about these types of issues with him. Maybe if I had this might not have happened. As it is, I have lost the most precious person in my life. Maybe that is why the need to start posting this kind of stuff. If I can get comfortable with throwing it out into the Web maybe I can get more comfortable talking about it with those in my life that matter most.

I am so sorry Aleks. I wish I had understood my own life better and I wish I could have talked to you openly about it.

Today's episode...

sadness with a touch of anger.

Summer Reading Book Review #1

I just finished my first book in my summer reading list, Yes, You Can Still Retire Comfortably by Ben Stein and Phil DeMuth. I loved this book. Stein and DeMuth inject enough dry humor to make what would normally be a dry reading an actually entertaining AND informative reading (quite a difficult act). One of the most interesting things they did that I had not seen in these types of popular books was their use of Monte Carlo testing of their proposed investing strategies as well as comparing their method to other methods (and pointing out where other methods might be more advantageous). The book is divided into three parts:

1. The coming crisis of the coming "baby boomer" retirement tidal wave.
2. Figuring out how much you REALLY need to save.
3. What you can do if you are behind the eight-ball.

While providing a lot of analysis and custom tailoring options the main points can be boiled down to the following:

Most people are not saving enough and most financial planning people are misusing commonly know statistics NOT to the advantage of those looking at retirement.

While sophisticated investors have some options, the best investment strategy that the relatively uninformed lazy investor is the "couch potato" portfolio: invest half of your money in a broad market index fund and half in an medium-long bond index fund.

Save as much and as long as you can into this fund.

When it comes time to withdraw in retirement, withdraw based on whether the market is overvaluing stocks. If yes, withdraw a larger amount from the stock side. If it isn't, withdraw from the bond side (their Web site provides the indicator for you).

Rebalance every five years.

Now there are a lot of details that I, with my mathematical background, absolutely loved (such as rather basing your withdrawal rate based on a combination of comfort level, probability of outliving your investment, etc). The numbers, statistics, and theories are all there but bundled in such a way that if you don't want to read them you are allowed by the authors to skip them and just hit the "What do I do", but anyone serious about retirement should make the effort to plow through the analysis to get an excellent education about what investment and retirement planning should really consider.

Great work guys! I'm definitely getting your other books!

One word...

Pain.

Effective Therapy

I had what some call a "break through moment" this past week in therapy. I had been wandering all over the map (much to the chagrin of my therapist who kept trying to reign me in to the topic at hand), trying after 44 years of living to make any sense at all of my life. But this week was different (who knows, maybe it is because I am now paying out of pocket), but this time when I walked into my therapist's office I said "I want to know why... why did I betray someone who professed to love me so much?". And that was where it started. I could see it in his eyes, that "FINALLY! He's starting to get it" look. Then we did something really, really useful that I had never done before. We deconstructed all of my long-term relationships up to my last one. He then pulled out all of his notes from our sessions and started reading things I had said before, bringing out touchpoints between my wild, general ramblings and this very concrete experiment. What an eye opener. Each subsequent relationship creating an environment that allowed something inside to get off track and not providing exactly the type of environment that would help me bring it back on track no matter what I "wanted". In essence, some of the problem had been allowed to operate at a subconscious level allowing me to act somewhat split... I had compartmentalized two very important areas of human existence... I have "learned" to separate love from sex. There are other issues and I'll be delving into them as time goes on, but it was quite fascinating to hear someone else piece together a plausible trail and to tell me "If you don't get a handle on this now, assuming you want to, you will eventually repeat this same set of events." Good, now I have something to go on, to actually work with.

Sometimes the concrete is a much better realm than the abstract (sorry Plato).

SNAFU

What an up-and-down weekend. Aleks invited me to his graduation up in Burbank. I was so happy because I know what it means to him to get his degree and given all that has happened I was honored that he still wanted me to come. So, I buy new pants, new shirt, a new digital camera (beware, this means photos coming), went to bed early Friday night thinking that if I get on the road by 7:30am I can easily be in Burbank by noon (even with LA traffic). So I get up Saturday, well rested, eat breakfast, shower, shave, feed Romeo, and decide to check the address on the invitation just to make sure I know where I am going... and my heart stops. The graduation ceremony is at 9AM. I see this at 7:10am! There is no way I can dress and get up there in less than two hours! I was heart broken. I started crying (yes, I cry). THE major personal accomplishment in his life and I miss it! I called him (still crying) to tell him that I stupidly read the invitation incorrectly (I thought the reception was at 9 and graduation at noon) and that I was so proud of him and happy for him. His reply was interesting and it started me thinking about things. He said "It's probably for the best". Now this can be taken several ways. His parents had come in and generally that is not the most pleasant of times for several reasons and having me there would be another stressor. Then add to the fact that his friends know that we are apart so it would add yet more confusion and even more stress. This wasn't supposed to be how it happens. It was his day, a time to celebrate meeting a fantastic goal. All morning I began thinking about there things. How I really wanted to be there to support him, to wish him well, to thank him for not shutting me out even though I was the one that betrayed him. But who was going to get the most from that? In the final analysis, me. As much as I was telling myself I wanted to do it for him, I was also doing it for myself. And in the end, it probably was better that I wasn't there. But that doesn't mean my wishes and feeling and thoughts for him are any less.

Summer Movie Season

Well, Friday starts the annual bombastic summer movie season but for all the big budget movies coming out I am not terribly excited. For all the money thrown at the film industry it seems almost everything is at best a sequel and for the most part we're looking at "three-peats" (at least for those with the biggest budget). Let's see... we have first up "Spiderman 3", "Shrek The Third", then "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" (Pirates 3), followed by "Ocean's Thirteen" (Ocean's 11 segment 3), "The Bourne Ultimatum" (Bourne Identity 3), and finally "Rush Hour 3". Add to this the sequels ("Hostel: 2", "Evan Almighty", "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer", and "28 Days Later"), "four-peats" ("Live Free or Die Harder"), "Five-peats" ("Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix"), movies based on television shows ("The Simpsons Movie", "Bratz: The Movie", "Underdog", "Mr Bean's Holiday"), reboots of previous movies ("Halloween", "Transformers", "Hairspray"), and there doesn't seem to be much left. Movies I am looking forward to:

"Fay Grim" (May 18)

"La Vie en Rose" (June 8)

"Transformers" (July 4)

"Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix" (July 13)

"Stardust" (August 10)

"The Invasion" (August 17)

Sure, I'll see more... but I'm not getting my hopes up.