Confessions Of A Fixer

I admit it, I am a fixer. I like things to go smoothly. I don't like it when I perceive someone being unhappy or distressed (of course, it doesn't matter if they really are or not, what's important to me is that I think they are). In all of my relationships I was the one asking with some regularity:

"Are you happy?"
"Is everything OK?"
"Is anything wrong?"
"Can I help?"
"What do you need?"

As I was speaking with a friend very recently, it is amazing how much people love to talk but they don't seem to communicate. That is a problem for me as well. But it isn't quite as simple as just not communicating, my poor self-image confounds matters even more. I don't communicate as I should, but I want the other person to communicate with me at all times. My fears about myself, that they will leave me if I don't make them happy at all times, makes communication even more problematic because I want communication on what I think is happening rather than what really IS happening.

A couple of passages from the book I am currently reading...

"It is axiomatic in communication between intimates that each person owns their own emotions, and that each person is responsible for dealing with those emotions. This means that nobody "makes" you feel anything." (p118)

"What you are not responsible for is your lover's emotions. You can choose to be supportive - we're great believers in the healing power of listening - but it is not your job to fix anything. Once you understand that your lover's emotions are not your job or your fault,you can listen to him and really hear what he as to say, without falling victim to an overwhelming need to figure out whose fault it is or to make the emotion change or go away." (p.119)

Smart words... and honestly at some intellectual level I knew this to be true. But experientially and emotionally I didn't "believe" them and thus didn't live them. The trick is to convert these types of "truths" from axioms into life rules. Sadly, I am learning these basic rules too late to save my relationship, but they are helping create foundations for the next one.