RIP Dobby

Today has been stressful. Hell, the last few days have been stressful but today really pushed me over. After taking myself to dinner I sat on the balcony, my pipe stuffed with tobacco, I re-read sections of the last Harry Potter novel and stuck re-reading twice of the death of Dobby the house elf. As the sun was sinking the gentle breeze was drying the few tears I let dribble down my cheeks. Dobby's death really touched me. At first I didn't know quite why beyond basic literary theories about a noble death when it struck me... part of me viewed my life as like that of Dobby. Given the reaction most of you have so boldly shared of my current lamentations I can see you now rolling your eyes in your collective heads, but that does not invalidate what I feel. My life has been, in some way, shape, or form, of servitude. Granted the situations have been pretty much of my own making and I have just recently been able to understand the whys of how I put myself into psychological bondage of others, but nevertheless I have pretty much lived as someone who has seen to the care and feeding of others. I have always tried to be there for my friends, always tried to be the ear that listens or the shoulder that one needs if they wish to cry, sometimes the giver of money or other resources to those whom I consider to be friends when they need it. I have tried to give my "time, talent, and treasure" as it were to those around me who need it. But somehow I don't seem to be getting any of that back to any serious degree from those people with whom I have tried to forge relationships. I get told that I "just need to get over it" and to "get on with my life" and "stop whining" and that "things aren't that bad". And on a completely rational level, yeah, my life isn't over, isn't screwed up beyond repair, and that yeah, maybe I do whine a bit. But you know what, none of that can invalidate what I feel which is really what those statements I get from people are saying. The core message is that my feelings are wrong. But what gives you the right to invalidate what it is I feel? Going back to my house elf comparison, that is like Ron's comments of "They like doing it" and "That is what they live for". But for Dobby it wasn't. Dobby yearned for someone to give him clothes to set him free. I have yearned for a little understanding, for a real sense of people to be there for me because I really hurt. Recent events have made it even worse. Most of you don't know, but I had started to date someone... gone out a few times, exchanged multiple daily emails, text messages, etc, and thought that things were going well only to be dumped after the guy went out on one date with someone he had just met. Devastating to my already fragile ego. Sadly, I honestly felt like I couldn't talk about it to anyone I knew. Granted some had more tragic public events happening in their lives, but most of you made me feel like it wouldn't do any good to say anything because all I would get is "Well, guess life's unfair" and "better luck next time" responses (one of the few people I told just said "Well, boys will be boys"). But that's not what I needed to hear. What would have been nice would have been "Oh I am so sorry to hear that. How are you feeling? Would you like to talks about it?" I wanted my "Harry Potter", someone to feel bad for me if even just a moment... someone to give me a sock. But what I have come to realize is that I have to weave my own. So I need to withdraw to start the process. This means I won't be there so much for others, that my energies will now be directed to making sure that I am taken care of. Oh, I highly doubt I will ever abandon those in great need or distress, but my day-to-day care and feeding of others will decrease as I start knitting my own little sock of personal freedom.

Extreme Sadness

I don't think I have felt this sad since Aleks told me he was leaving. I wish I could just take a break from the world, or at least find people who actually cared about me.

Anger + Sadness = Change

The past few days has lead me to realize I need to make more serious changes in my life. So far the slow, gentle pace seemed like progress but current events have shown that more drastic measures need to be taken. My relationships need serious evaluation and reordering (or termination). I am tired of being the person who is trying to keep friendships/relationships alive. I am tired of being the one who contacts other people, who does the checking up to see how they are doing, who tries to create the social situation. I'm tired of being the person who is contacted only when there is a problem, tired of being the one who is always asked to help but never have help volunteered when it appears I may need it. I have spent all of my financial, emotion, and sometimes even my bodily resources into seeing that others' needs are met. I'm tired of being overlooked by people who call themselves my friends yet I rarely hear from them unless they want something or there is a problem. I'm tired of being the default choice or final opportunity for something to do. In the immortal words of the great philosopher Mel Brooks (through the voice of Lilly von Shtup):

I'm tired,
tired of playing the game,
ain't it a crying shame?
I'm so tired,
God dammit I'm tired!

I deserve better. If my current circle of "friends" do not agree then I don't need you. Go away and find someone else to torture.

Harry Potter Spoiler (Not Really)

My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is: J K Rowling cures cancer after appearing in a photo shoot for Vogue Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom

Living Babylon Five

Well, at least the opening to season four pretty much sums up my life in the first half of 2007:

"It was the year of fire... the year of destruction... the year we took back what was ours. It was the year of rebirth... the year of great sadness... the year of pain... and the year of joy. It was a new age. It was the end of history. It was the year everything changed. The year is 2261. The place: Babylon 5."

OK, so you have to change the year to 2007 and the place to San Diego, but the overall description remains correct. Lots of change... old things in my life purged as if by fire, old relationships destroyed, sadness over loss and my own actions leading up to that loss, pain in missing what I thought I could have had. And yet it has been a year in which I started to take back what is mine, reassert myself as an individual with my own desires, passions, and dreams. It was the rebirth of old friendships, a time of joy in discovering new friends and learning new things about myself. It has been the end of one history and yet the beginning of another. It has been the birth of a new age where I take control of my life because it is my life where I finally begin to understand me.

The series ended well, perhaps my life will mirror that too.