The Adventures of Erwin and Michael: Part Four

Sorry about the break folks, this pesky thing called "work" got in the way. But life is settling back down to normal so it's time to pick up the adventure. When we last left them, our intrepid adventurers were sleeping soundly in Buellton after a couple of day of wine tasting and weight gaining. So let's join in on Tuesday morning...

Rise and shine. We sadly left the central coast and its yummy fermented grapes and headed to Los Angeles, or more accurately, Hollywood! We had tickets to see the LA production of Wicked. I had booked us a room at a cute little motel just off of Hollywood Boulevard and we arrived just before noon. After a quick clean check in we walked the two blocks to Hollywood Blvd to encounter:



An interesting sight. At the other other end of the block we found out why a semi was embedded in the street:



So who knows... this could be the start of a midlife change of career for me! LOL

We did the typical tourist "Walk of Fame" and looking at the hand prints outside of Grauman's Theatre:





Try as he might, Erwin couldn't get his feet into Judy's shoe prints.

We spent a good part of the afternoon just walking around Hollywood and into the adjoining neighborhoods. It was nice, peaceful, relaxing... things you don't normally think of when you think Los Angeles. It must have been the company.
So back to the motel to rest and clean up before the play.

We decided to take a cab to Kabuki in Hollywood which was only a block from the beautiful Pantages Theatre. The cab ran late but we made it there with just enough time to spare to take our seats and enjoy a wonderful evening. I felt like we were in the song from Wicked titled "One Short Day in The Emerald City":

one short day in the emerald city.
one short day, to have a life time of fun!
one short day,
and we're warning the city,
now that we're in here, you'll know we've been here,
before we are done!
...

we're just 2 friends,
2 good friends.
2 best friends.
sharing a wonderful one short...(day)

The next morning, as we were in no hurry to get back to San Diego, we went to Rodeo Drive (just to look, no shopping) and then on to one of my favorite parts of LaLa Land, Santa Monica. As luck would have it, they were having the farmer's market on the Promenade:





As the afternoon was moving towards evening we were getting hungry so I suggested we hit one one great little place to eat, The Border Grill, home of The Food Network's "Two Hot Tamales" Susan Feniger and Mary Sue Milliken! The meal was awesome (and the attractive waiter VERY attentive... I tell ya, it pays to travel with Erwin). So, sufficiently stuffed it was back down the 5 to San Diego... but more about that in the next installment.

The Adventures of Erwin and Michael: Part Three

One nice thing about vacation is that you get to sleep in. I think we woke up about 7 AM (my normal wakeup is 5:25 AM), cleaned up, and went to breakfast. Ah, but not the typical "continental" breakfast at the motel (where you have to guess it is on which continent you would actually EXPECT a breakfast like that). No indeed. As we were on vacation and looking for the exotic we headed to Solvang, "Sunny Field" in Danish. Solvang, land of windmills, "The Little Mermaid", and dozens of bakeries... but especially that fantastic institution, Paula's Pancake House where we both had the yummy, wafer thin Danish pancakes. After becoming fully loaded with sufficient carbs to absorb the coming wine we were off for more wine tasting. Of course the first decision is where to go:



We thought about going to Foxen, but just after starting we changed our mind and thought we should start at the beginning and hit Firestone. The first entrance to turn around brought the first fun surprise of the day. It was the driveway to Curtis Winery. Now I had never heard of them before and in the spirit of adventure Erwin suggested we stop and try them out. What a treasure! The lady who waited on use, Ellen, was a gem. Even Matt Kramer says they are someone to watch and if they get any better they may rival Brander in my opinion. They are producing some beautiful handcrafted Rhone-style wines. The tasting offered six wines, two of then 2004 Syrahs. The 2006 Viognier was nice, light hints of white peach with a slight mineral finish and the Syrah's did not disappoint. Then the wonderful Ellen went "off menu" and poured four more wines for us (between my "wine-savviness" and Erwin's cuteness we must have been a killer combination in wine country). Ellen provided us with tastes of a 2005 Roussanne (the only one I have found thus far), their 2004 Heritage Cuvee (which wound up coming home with me), their 2004 Mourvedre (nice, earthy taste), and their EXCELLENT 2004 Syrah Crossroads (which followed the Cuvee to my wine rack). So here we are with Ellen at Curtis:





After joining their wine club we then went to the sister winery, Firestone. Now to be honest, Firestone has never impressed me. Oh, their wine was OK, but never on my list of "gotta have" wines. I have to admit, I found something nice here to bring back with me. First, they do a nice, dry Gewurztraminer. When I say they were tasting the 2006 I said I just had to try it. With less than 1% residual sugar is was much more pleasing to my palate giving a clean finish. I had to admit I also liked their 2003 Vintage Reserve (which included Cab Franc and a Malbec in the mix) which had a nice little mint/licorice taste. And once again, Erwin smiles and the young lady behind the bar says that she has something special for us to try... their 2003 Cab Franc Reserve. Very round with some firm tannins left (it's 98% Cab Franc, 1% Merlot and 1% Cab Sauv). I think in the next year or at most two it will really peak into an outstanding wine.

OK, two wineries and about 20 tastes... the pancakes are beginning to become saturated but we do one more for the morning and go to Fess Parker. Like Firestone, I never expected much from ol' Fess, but having grown up watching Disney I still remember Fess Parker as Davy Crockett and in fact the logo is Davy's coonskin cap. Once again, I was glad we went because this was the only winery we hit that was tasting a Riesling. Their 2006 White Riesling was quite nice. Normally I don't care for the sweeter stuff but with a residual sugar of less than 2% it wasn't syrupy and the finish was pretty refreshing. My favorite though, and the one that followed me home, was their 2004 Syrah named "The Big Easy". Black cherry with notes of licorice and mint combined with a really nice finish made this a keeper.

For lunch we decided to give Fess a little more of our money and we had a very light lunch at Restaurant Marcella at the Fess Parker Inn in Los Olivos.



After a light lunch and rest we decided to give Fess just a little tiny bit more time and headed to Epiphany. Actually, we went there because we received a card for free tastings there when we hit Fess Parker earlier in the day. But it was nice and close, a short stagger across the street. Six tastings with their dry 2006 Grenache Rose begging to come home with me (it did) and their 2004 Grenache close on its heels. Then again, we went off menu. The pourer brought out some spicy dark chocolate and popped open their 2004 Petite Syrah. What a fantastic blending of flavors!

We decide to hit one more before going back to the hotel for a nap and decide to travel out to Foxen, only to discover that unlike the other tasting rooms that close at 5, these guys close at 4! Saddened, we took their advice and drove up to Kenneth Volk. Again, glad we did because Mr Volk is actually doing a Negrette! Wow! Six wines on the tasting including the Negrette (berry and black licorice) which jumped in the car with us. Their 2005 Pinot Blanc had wonderful hints of caramel and vanilla was a delight. I was also pleasantly surprised with their 2005 Chardonnay, Santa Maria Cuvee (very mellow and almost no alcohol in the taste).

We made our way back to the hotel and took a short nap, then cleaned up for the finishing touch to our "Sideways" trip... dinner at Los Olivos Cafe, where Miles and Jack dined with their dates. To complete the experience we both ordered from the "Sideways Menu" and ordered (in honor of Miles) the Pinot to accompany it. Oh, it was sooo good, but the dessert was just a little too much.

We made our way back to the motel and tucked ourselves in for a good rest. We'd need it, tomorrow was Hollywood!

The Adventures of Erwin and Michael, Part Two

Ever see the movie Sideways? Well, if you have that was the impetus for Erwin and me to do what we did during this part of the trip. Erwin had never been wine tasting and I suggested my personal favorite part of California, the Central Coast, for a quick education. So Sunday morning we headed north to Santa Barbara and Santa Ynez counties to make Erwin a true oenophile.

The weather was, per SoCal standards, perfect. The skys were blue (even over LA... no smog-brown awaited us). As we left around 8am we arrived at our destination, the Day's Inn, Buellton, around 12:30pm. This was the motel that Miles and Jack stayed in in the movie. Since we could not check in I decided to start Erwin's education at what is my personal favorite winery in the area, Brander and this visit did not disappoint. Brander is noted for their world-class Sauvignon Blanc wines and their hand-crafted Bordeaux-style reds. The tasting menu was of six wines and not a one was disappointing. Erwin was particularly fond of their Cuvee Nicolas and we both thought their 2006 Merlot was "da bomb". Then, as a special treat, we were offered a taste of something that is quite pricey with few bottles remaining... their 2005 Cabernet Sauvignon Reserve. The lovely lady pouring for us actually hid the bottle from the other tasters (she said that it was a delight to talk with us, was astonished with what I knew about wines and with Erwin's eagerness to learn that she just threw it in as a benefit). So here we have Erwin getting a good start to his wine education at Brander:



So we left Brander with a few bottle and me upgrading my membership.

Our next stop was Bridlewood, one of the prettiest estates in the area. Formerly a horse rehabilitation facility, Bridlewood Estate is an artisan winery focused on producing Syrah and other distinctive Rhone varietals. Bridlewood can be up and down so you never really know what to expect from them. Their 2004 Reserve Syrah and 2005 Reserve Arabesque were good enough to warrant a purchase (particularly their Arabesque which is a blend of five or six grapes).

Our last tasting stop for the day was a real up-and-comer, Beckman. Beckman produces Rhone Varietals including Syrah, Grenache, Grenache Blanc, Grenache Rose, Marsanne, and probably my favorite, Cuvee Le Bec (a blend of Grenache, Mourvedre, Syrah and Counoise). Beckman is a wonderful small boutique winery and definitely well worth the stop (the people at Brander recommended it to me a couple of years ago as a place to get to know). The do a very fine Syrah and their 2006 Grenache Rose is well worth a taste. I also enjoyed their 2005 Marsanne (nice hints of ginger). I came away with a couple of bottles of their Syrah and a bottle of the Rose.

About this time we headed back to the motel to check in and rest up for dinner. Tonight it was the place featured in the movie, The Hitching Post where we dined on wonderful steaks. I, of course, had wine (the Hitching Post Syrah which was a perfect compliment to the steak).

Finally... stuffed and all warm and happy from the wonderful wine, we retired to the room for the night.

More coming...

The Adventures of Erwin and Michael, Part One

Vacation this year is domestic. I finally decided to do the responsible *groan* thing and take the lions share of my bonus and pay off debt. I was so fortunate when my friend Erwin had talked about taking a vacation to SoCal and scope things out for a possible move. I offered to share my place with him and take him on a bit of a tour to which he readily agreed, so the wheels were set in motion. I've known Erwin for about 12 years now and except for a time where I was a jackass (long story) we have kept in regular touch. Erwin and I share many things including musicals and wine (among others of a less public nature *grin*) and I immediately bought tickets for the San Diego production of Chicago with George Hamilton playing the lawyer Billy Flynn. Since San Diego was a bit limiting for the entire trip I had persuaded Erwin (with little arm twisting)to go wine tasting along the Central Coast and then spend the night in LA to see Wicked.

Erwin arrived Friday and we went to dinner at a local landmark, Nati's and then a quick walk around along Newport and the beach. The next morning we started the city tour and met up with a friend of his, Mel, who is in the navy and stationed here.



After a long, fun lunch at Gordon Biersch, we continued our little tour of SD and then headed home to prep for dinner and play. Being San Diego, dress was NOT formal (Oscar popped his head up and did the expected "tisk, tisk" but did ask for the Playbill from the production). We went downtown about 6pm and had a small pre-play bite at Ra Sushi (touch pricey for sushi but LOVE their Spider Monkey roll). It was then off to the musical where we had a blast. Overall the production was quite good (and whoever made the dancers' costumes deserves some award for most revealing without revealing all on both male and female dancers). I thought Mr. Hamilton kinda walked through his part but hey, George Hamilton playing Billy Flynn is just George Hamilton playing George Hamilton. All-in-all a great night out. For a little taste, check out this clip from the Tony awards for Chicago.

We arrived back home a little after 11 and got some giddy-nerves sleep in anticipation of the next leg of the vacation, wine tasting in my personal favorite area of the state. More on that next time, but just let me say that Brander's 2006 Merlot is kick ass!.

How Long Does It Take?

Six months since Aleks moved out and this morning the sight of him made my heart skip a beat. This is Erwin's last day in San Diego so we went to Shade's for breakfast (per my routine... no Oscar this time). The marine layer was thick and the ambient conversations were banal (some hung-over b*tch told her rather attractive boyfriend that he looked like Don King, though she had difficulty coming up with the name and they had to play 20 questions before he could get her to slur it out), when Aleks and his boyfriend walked by. My heart literally stopped for a second. Erwin noticed it and asked me if I was alright. I told him who I had just seen and suddenly I couldn't eat. It was all I could do not to cry. I wonder how long I will continue to carry this around? I seem to deal with it in the abstract but when events actualize I lose composure. Something to talk about in therapy on Tuesday.

More To Come

Forgot to tell some of you that I was on vacation. Just in case you wondered what I was doing, here is a sample (I'll write more later). I've made some great discoveries and enjoyed spending my time with a wonderful friend.

This Is Becoming A Habit

Another gorgeous morning in Ocean Beach, California. I was awakened to the lite tapping of on my arm by my furry companion (mind out of the gutter now) who was informing me that it was time to perform the duties for which I was being retained. In an effort to stall for time I reached out and started to scratch him behind the ears (gutter... out!) when the alarm went off. It's Sunday so I sleep in late (6:15am), got up, served the master (*sigh* fine, stay in the drainage), popped on some workout clothing and headed to the gym. The ribs are still a little tender so only a moderate aerobic workout today. After my weekly purchases at the Von's next to the gym I came home and began preparations for breakfast. That's when it happened.

Tap, tap, tap.

I turned and was confronted by my recently reacquainted friend Oscar Wilde. As usual he was dressed to kill (well, for a 19th century dandy).

"My dear professor (as he likes to call me against my protestations), what are you doing?"

"Making breakfast" I replied over the whirl of the coffee grinder.

Oscar walked, no, minced, around the kitchen with a look slightly above that of disgust. "Dear one, it's Sunday. A beautiful Sunday morning. Not a cloud in the sky. The young master and I were staring out the window you so graciously left open watching the local parrots gathering in the trees across the street. The wireless announced something called an 'active surf' and as you so generously left your computer-thingy turned on I, how does one say, "Googled" what this meant. The discovery brought such a laugh of joy that the maître blanc scampered from the office."

OK, now I was puzzled. When one's delusions confound them it probably means more sessions in therapy. So, being a bit blunt I asked him "Say what?"

"Think about it. You're the mathematician in this little ménage a trois, apply that disgusting L-word".

"Lesbian?"

"Logic dear fellow. What does an active surf bring to the shores near that restaurant at which we dine most Sunday mornings?"

"Kelp?"

Oscar's sigh of exasperation was overly dramatic (but then again, this is Oscar Wilde I'm projecting). "Surfers! While your libido has decreased mine, sir, has not. And while you do go out from time-to-time my, shall we say, personal time is spent looking at back issues of Têtu. I want to get out and see, as you Americans would say, 'the real thing'. After all, Aphrodite brought Galatea to life, not recreated as a daguerreotype. Besides, we have much to speak about." Oscar looked me up and down. "We shall not dress for breakfast."

So I picked up the book of Oscar's letters and headed for Shades, requesting outdoor seating. Per our usual breakfasts we had Irish oatmeal, fruit (naturally) and coffee. And I read. The part of his correspondences I'm on cover the time of Oscar's relationship with Lord Alfred Douglas ("Bosie"). Even after 110 years the feelings are palpable. And after each letter I "spoke" with Oscar, pausing a time or two only to enjoy the views that would present themselves from time to time as the young, tanned surfers would run across the sand to the swells of surf.

An hour later it was time to leave, Oscar and I both having our fill of that which we each needed. On the walk back we were greeted with a fantastic site of one young "dude" (Oscar always laughs when I use that word as he says it does not "fit" me but I say it in such a scandalous manner that I should use it more often) in that perfect age of life where growing up in southern California can bring forth the perfect body... and he knew it for he was showing off as much as possible without being arrested.

Oscar looked at me and smiled. Damn, I hate it when he's right.

Now THIS Is A Reputation

My goal...

Dalek #2: Identify grid Seven Gamma Flame. This male registers as enemy!
...
Dalek Leader: Identify him!
Rose Tyler: All right then... if you really want to know. That's the Doctor.
[all four Daleks recoil in apparent fear]
Rose Tyler: Five million Cybermen, easy. One Doctor? NOW you're scared!
(From "Doomsday")

OK, so I may never strike fear into the "heart" of an interstellar evil, but just to be the kind of man who, when the line is drawn, people will not have to guess on which side I stand. That is the type of life I hope to shape for myself in my remaining years.

Romantic Heroes

Some days I really feel out of touch with modern society. In the last couple of days I have been somewhat sequestered in my house, working from home and watching my newly arrived DVDs of Doctor Who Series One and Series Two. During this time I have told a couple of friends that I want to be Doctor Who. One friend said "A dilettante?". Well, I don't find a dilettante being an apt description of "The Doctor" since his knowledge isn't superficial, but what I want to be is the type of person "The Doctor" is. What I had in mind is the following quote from the episode "World War Three":

"Because this is my life; it's not fun, it's not smart, it's just standing up and making a decision because nobody else will."

This quote made me think about other literary and cinematic characters that I love. To give you an idea consider the following:

"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one." - Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly

"It's not how much time you have, but what you choose to do with the time you are given." - Gandalf, Lord of the Rings

Elsa: Don't look at me like that. We both wanted the Grail. I would have done anything to get it. You would have done the same.
Indiana Jones: I'm sorry you think so. - Indiana Jones ("The Last Crusade")

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."- Mark Twain

The idea is of someone who choses to do what they think is the right thing regardless of the personal consequences. I haven't lived up to this idea but as this is the first day of the rest of my life this is what I want to do with the remaining time I have been given. It won't make me popular, it won't win me friends, but it seems like the times in which we live are rather short on people who will draw a line in the sand, who will stand up for what they think is right. Too often we complain, we gripe and bitch about what we think is wrong but we don't really DO anything about it. So it is my personal hope to change this at least in my own life. So, to inaccurately quote Admiral David Farragut at the Battle of Mobile Bay, "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead".

Removing Clothing Is Not Enough

Last night was a good night for me. I was fortunate to spend 8 hours in the company of a nice young man. We had dinner, coffee, and talked for hours (among other things). It was inevitable that the topic of my relatively recent split from Aleks was raised and once again I recounted, in self-withering detail, what happened, why I think it happened, my feelings about it, etc. To his credit the young man did not excuse himself and break for the nearest exit. This morning though as I replayed the thoughts of what I said and tried to recall how I felt, and re-reading some of my posts, I discovered something terrible. Yes, with the assistance of a good therapist I have come to grips with certain issues in my life that need attending in some fashion before I can get into any kind of serious relationship, but after this self-awareness came... well, it's a bit difficult to understand, but during this morning's reflection I recalled a passage from the 17th Century Haiku master Matsuo Basho:

I took a kimono off
To feel lighter
Only putting it in the load
On my back.

The moment I descended
Mount Yoshino,
I sought to sell
My cotton-stuffed coat

(As a side note, let's see how many ivy-league graduates can pull from memory 17th century Japanese poetry. Thanks Missouri public schools! *grin*).

Like a bolt of illuminating lightening I saw this as my current state. I realized that I needed to shed something to "feel lighter", but I hadn't discarded it, I simply put it somewhere else and continued to carry the full weight of it around. What a terrible violation of my Christian religion and my somewhat newly acquired Zen identity. Starting with the latter, Zen teaches that there is no real past and no future, there is an eternal now. I cannot change the past so it is fruitless to dwell upon it. I cannot guarantee the future so I simply live now and experience the "future" when it gets here (for you Zen purists I understand this statement is not Zen, but it is my interpretation for those who don't have any idea what Zen might be about). So carrying around the heavy weight of past events and thinking of "what might have been" is both painful and fruitless. In the now I take what I have learned and carry it with me, but I need to let go of the guilt, sadness, anger, and fear that created the environment. As for the Christian aspect, two verses of Scripture come to mind:

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:15, 16

...casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

As Christians we have someone to come to when we need mercy and help in times of need. And we are called upon to cast those care, those troubles, those problems upon Him knowing that He does care for us. We are not told to walk around all mournful and sad, but after giving those things up to Christ we are to count them as given away.

So now it is time to take the kimono from my backpack. I'm not wearing it, so it is time to remove its weight entirely from my person. Then and only then will I feel coolness in this life.

OB at 6AM

I love watching neighborhoods wake up. Yesterday I walked down to the beach to grab some coffee and the sights that greeted me made me appreciate where I live. These photos were done with my camera, hence the poor quality but they will give you some idea. I intend to to this again with my "real" camera later this week.

Enjoy.

Willy, Oscar, and Me

Last night I spent an enjoyable time at a party hosted by a gracious young lady named Jesi. It was a night where both wine and conversation flowed and I was more than willing to be swept away by both. The theme was "A Night With Shakespeare" and in addition to having food and drink we were treated to a brief talk on the representation of Shakespeare on film and then scenes from Shakespeare's "As You Like It" were performed by members of the cast from Coronado Playhouse (who will be performing the play at the playhouse gratis!). Of course, one of the scenes they performed was the famous "All the world's a stage" as spoken by Jaques. I don't know all of it but what I do remember (from my college course 20+ years ago) is this:

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts

For some reason I immediately began channeling Oscar Wilde. Perhaps it is because I am currently reading his published letters, but through the slight fog of wine my synapses cobbled together the following lines from Wilde's "Lord Arthur Savile's Crime":

Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast

Or something like that... I'll have to go buy Oscar's short stories but if nothing else I know the last line is accurate, both in text and in life's context. One of the issues with which I am wrestling is trying to discover what part I am to perform and how to become "qualified". All around me I see at least as much truth in Oscar's writing on the subject as I do Master Shakespeare's, probably more. People are trying to play parts for which they are not qualified. People simply do things because they think it is that befitting their "status" (especially, I find, as one moves beyond what is often ridiculed as "middle class"). I hate snobbery. I hate pretentious people. Luckily last night I really encountered it only once (personally, I think it a wonderful testament to both Harvard and to the high school football player that he applied and was accepted and I was not "astonished" that they took him as the person relaying the story to me was).

So now what role am I to play? Last night was devoted to Shakespeare but I was thinking Wilde. Maybe that is my role. After all, Oscar did take earn a double first at Oxford and was able to move within the stuffy realm of the elite of society while simply being himself, observing, commenting, injecting truth at times into a people who seemed to avoid it. It's a difficult role but perhaps it is one I'll try out for in life, or to quote my other current obsession Wicked:


Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

...

I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!


So this morning, in honor of Oscar's light, I took the book of his published letters and walked down to Shades for my Sunday morning breakfast and ordered (appropriately) the Irish oatmeal. Well, I am not quite sure what Oscar would have thought about the oatmeal but I know he would appreciate the group of shirtless young male joggers that all too quickly passed by...

No joggers here, but this was my view for most of breakfast:

Everyone needs a little help

Just a big ol' hug to my friend Elbert who is playing the Galinda role to my Elphaba in reintroducing myself back to the "community":

If you would rather listen

GALINDA
(spoken) Elphie - now that we're friends, I've decided to
make you my new project.

ELPHABA
(spoken) You really don't have to do that

GALINDA
(spoken) I know. That's what makes me so nice!
(sung) Whenever I see someone
Less fortunate than I
(And let's face it - who isn't
Less fortunate than I?)
My tender heart
Tends to start to bleed
And when someone needs a makeover
I simply have to take over
I know I know exactly what they need
And even in your case
Tho' it's the toughest case I've yet to face
Don't worry - I'm determined to succeed
Follow my lead
And yes, indeed
You will be:

Popular!
You're gonna be popular!
I'll teach you the proper ploys
When you talk to boys
Little ways to flirt and flounce
I'll show you what shoes to wear
How to fix your hair
Everything that really counts

To be popular
I'll help you be popular!
You'll hang with the right cohorts
You'll be good at sports
Know the slang you've got to know
So let's start
'Cause you've got an awfully long way to go:

Don't be offended by my frank analysis
Think of it as personality dialysis
Now that I've chosen to be come a pal, a
Sister and adviser
There's nobody wiser
Not when it comes to popular -
I know about popular
And with an assist from me
To be who you'll bee
Instead of dreary who-you-were: are:
There's nothing that can stop you
From becoming popu-
Ler: lar:

La la la la
We're gonna make
You popular

When I see depressing creatures
With unprepossessing features
I remind them on their own behalf
To think of
Celebrated heads of state or
Specially great communicators
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don't make me laugh!

They were popular! Please -
It's all about popular!
It's not about aptitude
It's the way you're viewed
So it's very shrewd to be
Very very popular
Like me!

(spoken) Why, Miss Elphaba, look at you. You're beautiful.

ELPHABA(spoken) I - I have to go:

GALINDA
(spoken) You're welcome!
(sung) And though you protest
Your disinterest
I know clandestinely
You're gonna grin and bear it
Your new found popularity
La la la la
You'll be popular -
Just not as quite as popular
As me!

Recollections

Haunted wouldn't be the right word, but lately I have been remembering Jerry. Jerry (Jerome Heard) was someone I loved during my time in St. Louis and though he died 12 years ago I still carry a piece of him with me in my heart. Over the past few weeks I have been thinking about him. If I was superstitious I would say that his spirit has been trying to contact me but as neither he nor I believed in such things and as I have no actual evidence it exists I have to place these thoughts in the realm of my own psychology attempting to contact me. As I have sat and pondered on what it means pieces of it fall into place given certain current events and revelations about myself. So, for your edification, I tell you part of the story.

Jerry came out when he was 17 and six months later contracted HIV. When I met him after moving to St. Louis he had been living with the disease for a few years. We met during a dinner party before going to a play ("Pippin") and I noticed him whispering to one of his friends and glancing at me. Jerry was blond, thin but not yet skinny, and had the biggest smile I had ever seen. As we separated after the play he gave me his number and said "Call me". I did, we went out, went out more, and eventually found a place together in the suburbs (shudder) of Maryland Heights. Jerry was up front about his HIV status and extremely protective of me. While there was intimacy there was no sex. I still recall us sitting on the couch watching television, his head resting on my chest and his hands running over it saying how that if we lived in the time of the cavemen he would be envied by all of the cave women. Not a day went by for almost three years that he didn't tell me he was happy that he was with me or how much he loved me. And I felt the same towards him and told him so. When his health began to decline he told me he always wanted to be married, so I contacted my friend Patrick who was in seminary in Chicago and asked him if he would come perform the ceremony. Jerry and his mother planned something simple. We rented a small park and held the ceremony and reception there. I can still picture him... he couldn't stand for long periods of time so he was in a wheel chair. We said our own vows (damn I hate tears), kissed, and presented to the assembly as a couple (given that we had been one for two years at that point notwithstanding). The next day we were off to Orlando for the honeymoon (Jerry loved Disneyworld) and then over to New Orleans. It worn him down but he loved every second of it... and God bless my company, they gave me time off even though at the time there wasn't anything like domestic partnership at the time (Israelies have a very large and inclusive concept of what makes a family).

Fast forward.

Jerry's health declined despite my working with some of the best in the field, no expense spared, to find something... anything... that would help. He became blind, he couldn't walk from the car to the movie theatre (he loved movies). We had a nurse come in a couple of days a week and his mother was there all the time so I could work. And then one day the call came... his nurse said I needed to come home. I remember getting the call in my downtown office. Beth, the lady who was my mentor as a DBA was with me when it came. She grabbed my truck keys off the table, mashed them into my hand and said "Go". When I arrived the nurse and Jerry's mom were there. Jerry was in bed, drenched with sweat and unresponsive. We said very little as they both left the bedroom. I remember closing the door, telling him that I was there. He was laying on his side facing the wall, breathing shallow and extremely rapid. There was a small bowl with cool water and a sponge. I lightly covered his head and face with the water, then stripped down and put on my pajama bottoms and crawled into bed with him, snuggling up as close to him as possible, slipping my right arm under him neck, pressing my body up to his as much as I dared in the hopes of him knowing I was there. I talked to him, telling him how happy I had been and how selfish of me to want him to stay, but that it was time for him to go, that his work was done and that it was time for him to rest. He breathing seemed to slow and I could feel him sort of sink into my body. His left hand, which I had been cradling in my right hand, squeezed, and then he stopped breathing. There were medical directives in place for no extraordinary efforts so I didn't call for the nurse. I cried. We lay there for a couple of minutes. I checked for a pulse in his wrist and his neck and found none. I remember kissing his cheek, wiping the tears from my eyes on the bed sheet, getting out of bed, putting my clothes back on and going out to tell his mom and the nurse. We said very little. The nurse called the time of death, his mom started with the funeral preparations (they had been made even before I met Jerry). The next few days were a blur. I vaguely remember the funeral, speaking at the service, then completely breaking down and crying on the coffin after the people had left building. Again the company showed how it valued me by giving me bereavement leave (they told me I would have made a good "sabra" because I was tough and prickly on the outside but sweet and tender on the inside). Jerry was buried with his wedding band... I still have mine, along with the memories of his smile and his laugh. He was 25 when he died. Lately I have been looking at the small memorial at Doorways Memorial.

So many things to learn about myself. I was devastated, quite a broken man in fact. I read C. S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed" a few dozen times in the ensuing weeks and learned how it is alright to scream and yell at God. I did so often, both inside my head and out in the park where were we married.

I am by nature a caretaker and in this episode of my life I was shown for the first time that there are just some things that are beyond my own considerable abilities. This problem has plagued me to the present day and I think "Jerry" is trying to tell me to be careful. I'm lonely. It would be so easy to find a broken person that needed help and fall for them with the desire to help them (dangerously close to codependency... can anyone give me Melody Beattie's phone number?). I also, for one of the few times in my life, was given back as much as I gave. Not a day went by for as long as he was able that Jerry did not hug me, squeeze me, or at least tell me that he loved me.

Perhaps Nietzsche was right and time is circular (stolen from the Greeks of course... all good things are Greek *snicker*). I feel like this pattern keeps coming over and over again... but maybe it is time to take my Platonic view of things and sprinkle in a little Hinduism and start working off the "karmic debt" by learning from my past problems. That is what I am trying to do. I still make mistakes, I wield my newly acquired self-knowledge like a battle ax rather than a surgeon's scalpel. But time and opportunity to practice is what I need. Hopefully I will have both.

RIP Dobby

Today has been stressful. Hell, the last few days have been stressful but today really pushed me over. After taking myself to dinner I sat on the balcony, my pipe stuffed with tobacco, I re-read sections of the last Harry Potter novel and stuck re-reading twice of the death of Dobby the house elf. As the sun was sinking the gentle breeze was drying the few tears I let dribble down my cheeks. Dobby's death really touched me. At first I didn't know quite why beyond basic literary theories about a noble death when it struck me... part of me viewed my life as like that of Dobby. Given the reaction most of you have so boldly shared of my current lamentations I can see you now rolling your eyes in your collective heads, but that does not invalidate what I feel. My life has been, in some way, shape, or form, of servitude. Granted the situations have been pretty much of my own making and I have just recently been able to understand the whys of how I put myself into psychological bondage of others, but nevertheless I have pretty much lived as someone who has seen to the care and feeding of others. I have always tried to be there for my friends, always tried to be the ear that listens or the shoulder that one needs if they wish to cry, sometimes the giver of money or other resources to those whom I consider to be friends when they need it. I have tried to give my "time, talent, and treasure" as it were to those around me who need it. But somehow I don't seem to be getting any of that back to any serious degree from those people with whom I have tried to forge relationships. I get told that I "just need to get over it" and to "get on with my life" and "stop whining" and that "things aren't that bad". And on a completely rational level, yeah, my life isn't over, isn't screwed up beyond repair, and that yeah, maybe I do whine a bit. But you know what, none of that can invalidate what I feel which is really what those statements I get from people are saying. The core message is that my feelings are wrong. But what gives you the right to invalidate what it is I feel? Going back to my house elf comparison, that is like Ron's comments of "They like doing it" and "That is what they live for". But for Dobby it wasn't. Dobby yearned for someone to give him clothes to set him free. I have yearned for a little understanding, for a real sense of people to be there for me because I really hurt. Recent events have made it even worse. Most of you don't know, but I had started to date someone... gone out a few times, exchanged multiple daily emails, text messages, etc, and thought that things were going well only to be dumped after the guy went out on one date with someone he had just met. Devastating to my already fragile ego. Sadly, I honestly felt like I couldn't talk about it to anyone I knew. Granted some had more tragic public events happening in their lives, but most of you made me feel like it wouldn't do any good to say anything because all I would get is "Well, guess life's unfair" and "better luck next time" responses (one of the few people I told just said "Well, boys will be boys"). But that's not what I needed to hear. What would have been nice would have been "Oh I am so sorry to hear that. How are you feeling? Would you like to talks about it?" I wanted my "Harry Potter", someone to feel bad for me if even just a moment... someone to give me a sock. But what I have come to realize is that I have to weave my own. So I need to withdraw to start the process. This means I won't be there so much for others, that my energies will now be directed to making sure that I am taken care of. Oh, I highly doubt I will ever abandon those in great need or distress, but my day-to-day care and feeding of others will decrease as I start knitting my own little sock of personal freedom.

Extreme Sadness

I don't think I have felt this sad since Aleks told me he was leaving. I wish I could just take a break from the world, or at least find people who actually cared about me.

Anger + Sadness = Change

The past few days has lead me to realize I need to make more serious changes in my life. So far the slow, gentle pace seemed like progress but current events have shown that more drastic measures need to be taken. My relationships need serious evaluation and reordering (or termination). I am tired of being the person who is trying to keep friendships/relationships alive. I am tired of being the one who contacts other people, who does the checking up to see how they are doing, who tries to create the social situation. I'm tired of being the person who is contacted only when there is a problem, tired of being the one who is always asked to help but never have help volunteered when it appears I may need it. I have spent all of my financial, emotion, and sometimes even my bodily resources into seeing that others' needs are met. I'm tired of being overlooked by people who call themselves my friends yet I rarely hear from them unless they want something or there is a problem. I'm tired of being the default choice or final opportunity for something to do. In the immortal words of the great philosopher Mel Brooks (through the voice of Lilly von Shtup):

I'm tired,
tired of playing the game,
ain't it a crying shame?
I'm so tired,
God dammit I'm tired!

I deserve better. If my current circle of "friends" do not agree then I don't need you. Go away and find someone else to torture.

Harry Potter Spoiler (Not Really)

My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is: J K Rowling cures cancer after appearing in a photo shoot for Vogue Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom

Living Babylon Five

Well, at least the opening to season four pretty much sums up my life in the first half of 2007:

"It was the year of fire... the year of destruction... the year we took back what was ours. It was the year of rebirth... the year of great sadness... the year of pain... and the year of joy. It was a new age. It was the end of history. It was the year everything changed. The year is 2261. The place: Babylon 5."

OK, so you have to change the year to 2007 and the place to San Diego, but the overall description remains correct. Lots of change... old things in my life purged as if by fire, old relationships destroyed, sadness over loss and my own actions leading up to that loss, pain in missing what I thought I could have had. And yet it has been a year in which I started to take back what is mine, reassert myself as an individual with my own desires, passions, and dreams. It was the rebirth of old friendships, a time of joy in discovering new friends and learning new things about myself. It has been the end of one history and yet the beginning of another. It has been the birth of a new age where I take control of my life because it is my life where I finally begin to understand me.

The series ended well, perhaps my life will mirror that too.

Confessions Of A Fixer

I admit it, I am a fixer. I like things to go smoothly. I don't like it when I perceive someone being unhappy or distressed (of course, it doesn't matter if they really are or not, what's important to me is that I think they are). In all of my relationships I was the one asking with some regularity:

"Are you happy?"
"Is everything OK?"
"Is anything wrong?"
"Can I help?"
"What do you need?"

As I was speaking with a friend very recently, it is amazing how much people love to talk but they don't seem to communicate. That is a problem for me as well. But it isn't quite as simple as just not communicating, my poor self-image confounds matters even more. I don't communicate as I should, but I want the other person to communicate with me at all times. My fears about myself, that they will leave me if I don't make them happy at all times, makes communication even more problematic because I want communication on what I think is happening rather than what really IS happening.

A couple of passages from the book I am currently reading...

"It is axiomatic in communication between intimates that each person owns their own emotions, and that each person is responsible for dealing with those emotions. This means that nobody "makes" you feel anything." (p118)

"What you are not responsible for is your lover's emotions. You can choose to be supportive - we're great believers in the healing power of listening - but it is not your job to fix anything. Once you understand that your lover's emotions are not your job or your fault,you can listen to him and really hear what he as to say, without falling victim to an overwhelming need to figure out whose fault it is or to make the emotion change or go away." (p.119)

Smart words... and honestly at some intellectual level I knew this to be true. But experientially and emotionally I didn't "believe" them and thus didn't live them. The trick is to convert these types of "truths" from axioms into life rules. Sadly, I am learning these basic rules too late to save my relationship, but they are helping create foundations for the next one.

Lessons From Strange Places

One of the books my therapist has mentioned as worth taking a look at goes by the provocative title of The Ethical Slut. It is... interesting. While I don't agree with many of its suppositions I did find something very elementary but quite eye-opening for me. On page 100 I have found what may be the most important bit of advice I have been given in my current journey of self-discovery:

"Your relationship with yourself is what you bring to a relationship with another person: it is what you have to share, your offering, personally, emotionally, and sexually. The sexier you are to yourself, the sexier you will be to your lovers."

This is a huge hurdle for me to get over... though I am finding I don't mind myself as much as I did. I've got a ways to go, but I now seem to have a direction.

Heidegger and Me

Not the greatest of weekends. Friday evening started poorly and went rapidly downhill. So it wound up being me, Romeo, and Martin Heidegger. Not really... I didn't drink THAT much. I simply pulled out my copy of "Being and Time" and started some skipping around, looking at passages I had underlined before, etc. Nothing intense, but for me Heidegger goes with wine and it was wine I was having at the time. So traveling down the paths of analysis of the words "existence" and "dasein" I came to some clarity that had started in my therapy sessions.

Etymologically, existence signifies "to detach from" or "to emerge from". Now for Martin and the later existentialists this was emerging from nothingness. Human existence is not just "being" but "being there" (Da-sein). We have being within time and have an interconnectedness with "reality". And there it was that I made a connection. I, in essence, have never really existed. Oh sure, perhaps I have bodily form and capable of rational thought, but I have always been part of someone else. My individuality had always been subsumed by my partner. I literally became part of them. Now some people might not think this to be such a bad thing but for me it has been. I was never an individual living an "authentic life". I was always part of someone else. So now this is my chance. First impulses are to try to find someone quick and attach myself to them, but such action would not be good for either of us. Nor do I need to create one small circle of people around me because my "self" would simply be part of that small group. No, now is the time for me to learn to be me. Now is the time to try things (and people) out and see what I like, what I want, what I desire. Only once I find out who "me is" can I again consider trying to move my field of being to a point of overlap with another "significant other field".

Summer Reading Book Review #3: The Forever War

I will admit I am not all that much of a science fiction fan (more into fantasy literature) but Joe Haldeman's The Forever War was a wonderful read. Originally a collection of stories in 1972-1973, "The Forever War" was first published in book form in 1974 and has stood well the test of time. While one can see obvious references to the Vietnam War the journey of William Mandella (who explains that his name is even more strange when spell correctly) fits well into our current state of affairs. Young man, reasonably intelligent, is conscripted and serves a tour of duty against an enemy that is not understood (truly alien) returns home to find Earth so changed that he cannot function in "modern" society (which is interesting since a good part of the story covers the current real time year, 2007), returns to service, is injured, tries to retire but is brought back one final time. Each time out he feels more and more removed from his "home" in such a way that the corp becomes the only place he seems to function. Yet this is not a spaceships and blasters kind of book (though there is some of that). First and foremost it is a story about people, in particular one William Mandella, someone who was in the corp at the start of the conflict and survives the 1143 year war. And that provides one of the most interesting twists in the story. As ships travel at near light speeds, time for the crew "flows" differently than for home world, so two months ship travel time can cause years to pass outside the relative field of the ship. Not only does this account for some of the time shift, but allows for situations such as finding the enemy has created much more advanced weapons than they had when the mission started (after all, for a global economy in military mode weapons advance quite rapidly). For me there were three rather emotional pivot points in the novel:

When Mandella is assigned to a different point from the love of his life, Marygay. I almost cried when I read Mendella's feelings of her departure. They were together at the beginning, both returned to earth decades after their mission to find it nearly unbearable. In Mandella's own words, "I wasn't just losing a lover. Marygay and I were each other's only link to real life, the Earth of the 1980s and '90s. Not the perverse grotesquerie we were supposedly fighting to preserve. When her shuttle took off it was like a casket rattling down into the grave."

Finding out the reason for the war (I'll leave that to you to find out).

Mandella's feelings about having survived over a thousand years and being alone, a relic (remember that time for him has flowed differently than for Marygay so her survival at this time is beyond the realm of the fantastic... but read the story).

If you like reading fantastic literature, especially one that lends itself to intelligent discussion, I highly recommend this book to you.

Sex And The Single Guy

Dating. At 44 it's a scary thought, especially in the body conscious mix of gay San Diego. It really seems that modern gay culture is hyperfocused on the sexual aspect of life. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with have a normal healthy sexual appetite (the danger tends to come when yours is either above normal or there is a huge discrepancy between yours and the other person in your life). But does it ALWAYS have to be the case that the other person has to want to schtup you first and THEN perhaps ask you out? Given my current sub-par physical state as well as my muddled internal psychodynamics I am probably cutting my chances of having an emotional encounter with someone with my new self-mandate of "No sex until you pass my quiz". This seems to be the only way that I will find someone who actually is interested in me as a person AND it makes me get to know someone before jumping in the sack (I know, some of you who know me personally or read this blog regularly are snickering... stop that, I mean what I am writing here). I'm far too along in life to play games, even if those games mean a couple of hours of physical fun. So here are the rules... if you are serious about seeing me sans vêtements you should actually know some things about me such as:

What's my name (with proper spelling and pronunciation)?

How old am I?

Where am I from?

When is my birthday?

What's my pet's name?

What do I do for a living?

Where did I attend college and what was my major area of study?

What are three of my favorite movies?

Can you name a book I am currently reading?

Who are three of my favorite authors?

Can you name two of my favorite television shows?

Without looking at your cell phone, what is my phone number?

Can you name two regions that produce some of my favorite wines?

What are my political leanings?

Can you name three of my favorite philosophers and why they are my favorite?

Boxers or Briefs (you'll have to ask, I won't show)?

What do these have in common? Not much except that you have to actually talk to me and pay attention to what I am saying. you will have to engage me as a person with interests and desires beyond bedroom Olympic events. And you know what, I will have to be able to answer similar questions about you before "it" will happen. (Hey, I saw you roll your eyes... stop that, I'm serious). You see, it's about trying to gain a measure of self-respect and control over my life. Sure, it will be tough (well, in reality not quite so tough... unlike others I know men are not beating a path to my door) but honestly I think I am worth getting to know. I hope you think so as well.

Summer Reading Book Review #2

Well, I finished Harold Kooden's book Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife. Overall I found it a good read and very useful in my own personal journey having reached the "ripe old age" of 44. This book is part memoir, part guide/workbook to facing the issues of gay men who are hitting those middle years of their life (the chronological age can vary a bit as Dr. Kooden demonstrates in certain client profiles but the focus seems to be on men in the mid-forties to late fifties). The book is divided into three large sections: Body, Mind, and Soul. For me, the first two sections were of great interest because they address issues I find myself struggling with, namely how to deal with being older in a youth-oriented society, dislike of my physical appearance, and self esteem. Throughout the book there are short but poignant exercises aimed to getting us to try to examine ourselves objectively, to remove many of the negative subjective thoughts we often have of ourselves. Some of them that struck me and got me to think a little differently about things (with the help of my therapist who always seemed to be a session ahead of my readings... which provided for some good reinforcement between sessions):

Do you believe that if someone does not find you sexually attractive, his response is a statement about whom he finds attractive, rather than a negation of you? (For me, the answer is no, it tells me I am not an attractive person... issue for me to work on)

If you knew for a certainty that gay men would continue to find you attractive and would continue to be interested in you sexually, do you think you would be as concerned about aging? (For me, yes I still would... which has caused my relationships to suffer)

What prevents you from saying exactly what you think and/or feel? (I have far more issues with this on a personal level than I care to think about... but the purpose of therapy is just that)

A major part of the book is dedicated to dealing with what the author calls our "hologram", that image we present to the world to get people to like or accept (or at least not despise) us. Starting with being a gay child in a predominantly heterosexual world we learn to hide certain aspects of ourselves that others tell us are wrong. This hologram manifests itself in many different ways as we age and until we learn to shed this false image it will be very difficult to "age gracefully".

The author's title comes from the opening of the text where he discusses how current gay society seems to lack "tribal elders" or "golden men". He presents various reasons, from the AIDS crisis that decimated a generation of men who would be reaching their 40's and 50's now, to our own community literature that seems only to focus on buff shirtless men in their early 20's. The author tries to tell us older gents that we should strive to become active parts of the community, to wear our age and experience as badges of honor and to give back through the sharing of our resources to those who might benefit. Good advice, and a nice sentiment, but we have a long way to go bridge the age gap. Still, if you don't try it will never happen. At least it is better to say you did your best, even if the results fall far short of the ideal.

What Therapy Hath Wrought II

One of the roles that therapy plays seems to be making you
look at things that you don't want to. Sometimes they can be
things you never knew were happening, but sometimes they
are things that are obvious but you never really thought about
them. This installment deals with the latter.

I am a caretaker. I have been as long as I remember. Some of
my earliest memories have to to with providing emotional support
to my mother. I was always taught "Children should be a blessing
and not a burden." BTW, I agree with this but I think I would
handle it a little differently. As soon as possible my emotional
support was expanded to financial support. Again, I think that
children should help out but it really shouldn't have been such
a focus. I learned well that taking care of other people was
far more important than taking care of myself. As I grew older
and moved into creating my own relationships I have found that
I continued to play that role. Subconsciously (or not) I sought
out relationships that put me in the caretaker role. After almost 40
years of this first person singular pronouns have been almost eliminated
from my vocabulary (for those of you who are grammatically challenged that means your author has difficulty with the little word "I"). My entire
existence becomes wrapped up in making sure the other person in the
relationship is happy. And this is without regard to the type of relationship.
Love, friendship, work... even acquaintances are treated this way. Imagine
trying to be "the best little boy in the world" to practically everyone
you meet for over 40 years! That's drawing a lot of water from the well.
A parallel issue with this is that while there is a lot of drawing, there is
little filling. If I want to make other people happy I can't complain,
I can't express my own wants or desires. Always smile. Don't be selfish.
Put other people first. Let them make decisions for what they want. Always
be helpful. Into this mix throw in my previous post about therapy and add
in the problem about my own self-image issues and you have a deadly mix
(relationship-wise). So let's see... I have to make people happy regardless
of the personal cost, I have to make my partner happy or else he'll leave,
and I cannot give a voice to my own desires and wants. It's scary for me to see that in print typed by my own hands. Now... given that I seem to have picked up along the way the unique ability to compartmentalize, it becomes a little more clear how I can select one area, sex, and break it off from my relationship.

I never, ever once thought about leaving the relationship, I just separated the acts of indiscretion from my feelings for Alex. But with sex I could
feel again wanted, even desired. I could fulfill a physical need (which is very powerful), and thus "let off a little steam" (kinda like Vietnam was for the US and the former USSR) as well as fulfill the aforementioned psychological needs. I could feel, even if for just an hour, like I was a focal point, a "center of attention" as it were.

And so, now you have a little more of the story. Stay tuned,
I seem to be processing more and more every day.

What Therapy Hath Wrought

I remember posting that therapy produced an interesting "aha" moment for me. While it is quite personal it is something that I think is important to the understanding of me. However it is rather touchy, and anyone who thinks that getting to know my relationship history is some blunt detail should skip this post.


Still there?


OK. Suppose someone asked you the question "Have you ever been unfaithful in your relationships?", how would you answer? For many it would be quite straightforward (based on the number of drinks and where you were at the time). I was in my therapist's office in part because my long time relationship had ended because of my infidelity (and a few things that go with it). Given this background, the question seems to be a natural one and you would think I could spit out a "yes or no" but what came out was strange:

"Depends on how you define faithful"

Now I am NOT trying to be Bill Clinton as I know how to define the word, but for the first time something started to click. My therapist immediately took that statement and ran with it. We started talking about my history of long term (greater than two years... what most people would call at least "serious" relationships). The deconstruction was eye opening. My first long term relationship was with someone who dumped me because I wasn't "dominant" enough, I wasn't adventurous enough (he is now very, very involved in an S&M crowd in Oklahoma). The second was a bit younger and I was his serious "first". After about six months I started to hear "I love you, but I wonder what I am missing by not having had sex with other people", so the relationship expanded... we didn't go open, but the number of people per episode increased. That ended with his deciding that being with one person for the rest of his life would be too limiting to his own exploration. The next relationship was with a person who had HIV. No sex with him, but he grew concerned and basically forced me to find "outlets" with other people as he knew I was not going to leave him. He died and I weep to this day when I think of him. The next one, again younger but much more experienced. Somewhere along the line he (1) changed his sexual preferences with respect to what he wanted (flip from bottom to top) and (2) decided that things needed to be loosened up (nothing like coming back to your hotel room to find him with someone else). That one involved physical abuse as well. Not quite sure where he is. And that boys and girls takes you up to my most recent relationship. Now between all of these were the typical dalliances, sexplorations, etc. that some single people go through. So now consider the foundation that was laid when I came into this most recent relationship. Not the most healthy. By this time I was creating a compartment within my life that allowed me to separate sex from love. I could hold in my mind loving someone and having sex with someone else. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the things I have to deal with. I wish I had known earlier, had been better at communication, felt stronger about talking about these types of issues with him. Maybe if I had this might not have happened. As it is, I have lost the most precious person in my life. Maybe that is why the need to start posting this kind of stuff. If I can get comfortable with throwing it out into the Web maybe I can get more comfortable talking about it with those in my life that matter most.

I am so sorry Aleks. I wish I had understood my own life better and I wish I could have talked to you openly about it.

Today's episode...

sadness with a touch of anger.

Summer Reading Book Review #1

I just finished my first book in my summer reading list, Yes, You Can Still Retire Comfortably by Ben Stein and Phil DeMuth. I loved this book. Stein and DeMuth inject enough dry humor to make what would normally be a dry reading an actually entertaining AND informative reading (quite a difficult act). One of the most interesting things they did that I had not seen in these types of popular books was their use of Monte Carlo testing of their proposed investing strategies as well as comparing their method to other methods (and pointing out where other methods might be more advantageous). The book is divided into three parts:

1. The coming crisis of the coming "baby boomer" retirement tidal wave.
2. Figuring out how much you REALLY need to save.
3. What you can do if you are behind the eight-ball.

While providing a lot of analysis and custom tailoring options the main points can be boiled down to the following:

Most people are not saving enough and most financial planning people are misusing commonly know statistics NOT to the advantage of those looking at retirement.

While sophisticated investors have some options, the best investment strategy that the relatively uninformed lazy investor is the "couch potato" portfolio: invest half of your money in a broad market index fund and half in an medium-long bond index fund.

Save as much and as long as you can into this fund.

When it comes time to withdraw in retirement, withdraw based on whether the market is overvaluing stocks. If yes, withdraw a larger amount from the stock side. If it isn't, withdraw from the bond side (their Web site provides the indicator for you).

Rebalance every five years.

Now there are a lot of details that I, with my mathematical background, absolutely loved (such as rather basing your withdrawal rate based on a combination of comfort level, probability of outliving your investment, etc). The numbers, statistics, and theories are all there but bundled in such a way that if you don't want to read them you are allowed by the authors to skip them and just hit the "What do I do", but anyone serious about retirement should make the effort to plow through the analysis to get an excellent education about what investment and retirement planning should really consider.

Great work guys! I'm definitely getting your other books!

One word...

Pain.

Effective Therapy

I had what some call a "break through moment" this past week in therapy. I had been wandering all over the map (much to the chagrin of my therapist who kept trying to reign me in to the topic at hand), trying after 44 years of living to make any sense at all of my life. But this week was different (who knows, maybe it is because I am now paying out of pocket), but this time when I walked into my therapist's office I said "I want to know why... why did I betray someone who professed to love me so much?". And that was where it started. I could see it in his eyes, that "FINALLY! He's starting to get it" look. Then we did something really, really useful that I had never done before. We deconstructed all of my long-term relationships up to my last one. He then pulled out all of his notes from our sessions and started reading things I had said before, bringing out touchpoints between my wild, general ramblings and this very concrete experiment. What an eye opener. Each subsequent relationship creating an environment that allowed something inside to get off track and not providing exactly the type of environment that would help me bring it back on track no matter what I "wanted". In essence, some of the problem had been allowed to operate at a subconscious level allowing me to act somewhat split... I had compartmentalized two very important areas of human existence... I have "learned" to separate love from sex. There are other issues and I'll be delving into them as time goes on, but it was quite fascinating to hear someone else piece together a plausible trail and to tell me "If you don't get a handle on this now, assuming you want to, you will eventually repeat this same set of events." Good, now I have something to go on, to actually work with.

Sometimes the concrete is a much better realm than the abstract (sorry Plato).

SNAFU

What an up-and-down weekend. Aleks invited me to his graduation up in Burbank. I was so happy because I know what it means to him to get his degree and given all that has happened I was honored that he still wanted me to come. So, I buy new pants, new shirt, a new digital camera (beware, this means photos coming), went to bed early Friday night thinking that if I get on the road by 7:30am I can easily be in Burbank by noon (even with LA traffic). So I get up Saturday, well rested, eat breakfast, shower, shave, feed Romeo, and decide to check the address on the invitation just to make sure I know where I am going... and my heart stops. The graduation ceremony is at 9AM. I see this at 7:10am! There is no way I can dress and get up there in less than two hours! I was heart broken. I started crying (yes, I cry). THE major personal accomplishment in his life and I miss it! I called him (still crying) to tell him that I stupidly read the invitation incorrectly (I thought the reception was at 9 and graduation at noon) and that I was so proud of him and happy for him. His reply was interesting and it started me thinking about things. He said "It's probably for the best". Now this can be taken several ways. His parents had come in and generally that is not the most pleasant of times for several reasons and having me there would be another stressor. Then add to the fact that his friends know that we are apart so it would add yet more confusion and even more stress. This wasn't supposed to be how it happens. It was his day, a time to celebrate meeting a fantastic goal. All morning I began thinking about there things. How I really wanted to be there to support him, to wish him well, to thank him for not shutting me out even though I was the one that betrayed him. But who was going to get the most from that? In the final analysis, me. As much as I was telling myself I wanted to do it for him, I was also doing it for myself. And in the end, it probably was better that I wasn't there. But that doesn't mean my wishes and feeling and thoughts for him are any less.

Summer Movie Season

Well, Friday starts the annual bombastic summer movie season but for all the big budget movies coming out I am not terribly excited. For all the money thrown at the film industry it seems almost everything is at best a sequel and for the most part we're looking at "three-peats" (at least for those with the biggest budget). Let's see... we have first up "Spiderman 3", "Shrek The Third", then "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" (Pirates 3), followed by "Ocean's Thirteen" (Ocean's 11 segment 3), "The Bourne Ultimatum" (Bourne Identity 3), and finally "Rush Hour 3". Add to this the sequels ("Hostel: 2", "Evan Almighty", "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer", and "28 Days Later"), "four-peats" ("Live Free or Die Harder"), "Five-peats" ("Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix"), movies based on television shows ("The Simpsons Movie", "Bratz: The Movie", "Underdog", "Mr Bean's Holiday"), reboots of previous movies ("Halloween", "Transformers", "Hairspray"), and there doesn't seem to be much left. Movies I am looking forward to:

"Fay Grim" (May 18)

"La Vie en Rose" (June 8)

"Transformers" (July 4)

"Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix" (July 13)

"Stardust" (August 10)

"The Invasion" (August 17)

Sure, I'll see more... but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Spring/Summer Reading List

Well, it's that time of year when Borders starts putting out books that they recommend for summer reading. Of course, what they put out never looks like what I wind up reading. I've assembled my own reading list for what I hope to have completed by the end of summer. I've broken it down into various categories for unlike most summer reading programs I hope to have my be both enjoyable and applicable to some area of life:

Personal Growth:

Word Power, Fiske

Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife, Kooden

Letting Go Of The Person You Used To Be, Das

You Can Still Retire Comfortably, Stein

The Book of Acts

Professional:

Information Technology Project Management, Schwalbe (for my project management certification)

Microeconomics, McConnell (for my MBA class)

Straight To The Top: Becoming a World-Class CIO, Smith

Pleasure:

The Children of Hurin, Tolkien

The Forever War, Haldeman

Snow Crash, Stephenson

(NOTE: This section seems a little light, but in three weeks I plan on joining a Sci-Fi book club, so I will be reading whatever they select... I'll keep you updated)

So folks, that's my list as it stands. Now to find my glasses!

Leadership the Iacocca Way

I just finished reading Where Have All The Leaders Gone? by Lee Iacocca. Now as most of you know I am working on an MBA which has required a tremendous amount of reading on the idea of leadership. Mr Iacocca's book wouldn't make the cut as one of the school's textbooks but it's a rip-roaring read by a man who has spent his life leading and not just "studying" leadership. Now in all honesty, if you are looking for deep analysis or some type of gimmick (the "seven effectual habits of the four circles at the top of the five level pyramid" types of books prevalent today) you can just skip this one. But if you are looking for passionate talk from a "real man" check it out.

Mr. Iacocca's closing chapter is very impassioned plea for people, everyday people, to take on the role of leaders. Though his main thoughts area about the 2008 election, his three points are worth thinking about in our daily lives. In his call to action Mr Iacocca asks every American voter to do three things:

Give something up

Put something back in

Elect a leader

Let's look at these out of the singular context of politics and apply them to everyday life:

Give something up. Let's face it, most people today are not taught to view things in a "give and take" manner but in a "take, and then take some more" way. We want everything given to us without our having to do without. Don't save for that vacation, put it on your credit card. Don't be content with what you have when you can borrow on your house to buy that H2. But if we are honest, there WILL come a day that you (or your children) will have to pay. Perhaps we as a people would be better off if we experienced a little more "delayed gratification" and a little less "instant gratification". Real leaders know that sometimes you give up the "quick buck" to get more in the future.

Put something back in. Let's expand on the first point and not just "save", but "invest". How about instead of a movie every week we give the price of that ticket to a charity? And do we really need to spend an average of 20 hours a week in front of the television? Suppose we spend only 16 hours a week in front of the tube and donated an afternoon or evening teaching people to read or cleaning up the neighborhood park (or one of a number of things to make our neighborhood/society a little "better")? Real leaders know that putting in even a little can yield much whether it is time or money (or better yet, both).

Elect a leader. Expect things from people, especially those who are in power. Don't just put the guy or gal in who seems nice or dresses nice or speaks well, but have a standard (or better yet, SET ONE YOURSELF)... and don't expect anything less. And when they want to do something, ask questions like "Show us where this has worked." and hold them accountable.

Not bad. Imagine where we would be as a people if we adopted Mr. Iacocca's "simple" three points. I think better off than we are now.

Nurturing My Inner Nerd

Last weekend I got back in touch with my "inner nerd". I attended the 2007 One Ring Celebration (affectionately known as ORC). It was good for me to get out of town for a few days and nurture/pamper myself given all that has recently happened. As expected, I spent most of my time in the academic track attending presentations such as "Why We Should Care About the Children of Hurin" by professor/film critic/author Greg Wright (a fantastic speaker and a great guy... thanks for the book!) and "The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful in The Chronicles of Narnia and The Lord of the Rings" by Katrelya Angus (I loved the parallels that she drew between the works as well as the contrasts). Doug Adams did two great presentations about Howard Shore’s music which made me want to run out and buy the CDs. The Friday night concert by The Brobdingnagian Bards was a lot of fun and the mixer Saturday night gave us a surprise by the appearance of Andy Serkis who spent time with everyone in the room.

I shared a room with my friend Sarah (who didn't mind at all that I got up at 5:30am to go to the gym). I came back with some nice things, won two art auctions for LOTR-related art, and spent many hours discussing and debating themes in Tolkien's works, all of which will help firmly reconnect me with my "inner nerd"... I think this is the start of something good.

Why Apologize?

OK, who hasn't read heard or read the statements by Retired Miami Heat guard Tim Hardaway? I've done both and I have to say that Tim really, really, really hates gay people. I mean, how much more blunt does he have to put it:

"You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people...I'm homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."

Fair enough, at least he's honest. But what really bugs me is his "apology" during a subsequent phone interview with a sports radio host:

"Yes, I regret it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said I hate gay people or anything like that," he said. "That was my mistake."

So what is he sorry for? For speaking his mind when asked about what he thinks (or at least believes)? Does anyone really take his apology seriously? Personally, I think the man is an idiot, but I also think he has the right to speak his opinions. Things like this need to be out in the open. Silent enemies are enemies just the same. I think that I am better off knowing who and where they are.